Gerald Ford, dead today...

Ah yes, here's what I was looking for:

It just goes to show...

Folks searching for Saddem Hussein execution video have now learned what Brooklynites like me have known for years: There's always some dude in the room making a bootleg.

"I did wonder, but I didn't want to say anything."

Good job, German genius.

Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue

Holy crap, do I remember this. I remembered everyone's involvement except Huey, Dewey and Louie.

First James Brown...

If these things come in threes, the third one is gonna be a bitch. Unless, of course, it's Castro, in which case, perfectly predictable.

merry christmas anyway.

The Worst Christmas Ever

R.I.P.

Tacky much, IMDB review summaries?

Yikes:

If the public reacts to We Are Marshall (starring Matthew McConaughey and Matthew Fox) the way many critics have, the film will come crashing down like the plane that carried 75 Marshall University players to their deaths in 1970.

And his name shall be called... wounderful, counselor... komodo.

All I'm saying is that I'd be open to a lizard savior if one were to present Itself.

Family Guy's most incisive social satire and Wiz parody yet

Andy Samberg is doing his best to singlehandedly save Saturday Night Live

Unreal. 2006 now has its Lazy Sunday.

About fuckin' time

Thank you, Time, for the honor.

A Charlie Brown Christmas, as performed by the cast of Scrubs

I'm not even that big a Scrubs guy, but this is good. My sister said I'd be hooked by around the 3:30 mark. She was right.

Something for NY sports fans

I've seen this done before (by Rick Reilly and others), but Newsday has an interesting exhibit of the best or most memorable person to wear each number in New York sports.

Street Fighter, The Later Years

Also, this looks awesome

NYC in Sim City 4. For real. For real real. How long until I can drive around it and mess shit up in Grand Theft Auto?

been a while, i know. sorry. now, amusements:

Also: One and two.

Blind soccer!

Wow. Questions:
1. Are the refs blind, too?
2. Do you wear a different-stronger-cup than you would for sighted soccer?
3. What happens if no one can find it?

Feels about a million years ago...

Watching this gave me goosebumps. I will watch this a hundred times before the end of the year. God, I miss how this felt...

Jonathan Coulton...

I sweated this guy here once before, but that was before Youtube entered my life. And so, here is a World of Warcraft video for one of his better songs (NSFW):



And a live version of the cover that brought him to my attention originally:

Nothing truly special about this..

But I enjoy it.

Oh. Snap.

And the Oscar for Most Awesome Movie Ever goes to...

...potentially this.

Best Video Game Trailer Ever?

It's incredible what a little well-chosen music can do:

Bad idea

So the Colorado Rapids have sold their naming rights to Dick's Sporting Goods...

The Mets, meanwhile, have done somewhat better. A relatively respectable corporate name. Utterly inoffensive.

Dear Republican party

Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

The Dog Who Was Addicted to Licking Toads

Unreal.

The dog should watch Family Guy:

Woody Allen and Billy Graham

This is worth watching. As much as I enjoy seeing Letterman beat up on Bill O'Reilly every so often, things like this were much better. Decency and civility and thought and respect and charm and actual conversation. From both.

Smile, please

Why? Why not?
We live in a world of Spanish soccer announcers who take things too far:

And music videos that feature George Wendt cameos:

You know whom I suspect shouldn't have been fired?

This guy.

Madonna

I saw her on the street in New York the other night, followed by a small group of papparazzi. She is absolutely tiny, quite possibly under 5'0. Is this some sort of secret?

So, uh, what have the Juggernaut Bitch guys been up to?

Oh dear.

A belated Happy Halloween to you all.

I have made two decisions

1. I actually kinda enjoy "Deal Or No Deal" after all.
2. Dane Cook has never been funny in his life.

The guy who did the dance in "A Charlie Brown Christmas" --that guy-- had a name

And what a name.

Hidden comedy gem

The Onion's collected weekend magazine covers.

On sports and sportswriting

No matter how firmly Malcolm Gladwell is attached to his nuts, there is no doubt that Bill Simmons has generally lost his fastball and become something of a d-bag in the process. But every once in a while, you're reminded how good he can be when he gets over himself a bit and lays his not-that-brilliant-or-original gimmickry down and writes. This is a stirring example.

Where do I get my sports entertainment these days? Largely here, and increasingly here, and sometimes here.. You should also check out my man Brian Hughes' Fantasy Column, which I think has really hit its stride of late.

Please don't.

NBC, if you cancel Studio 60 so early, I will punch Dick Eberson or whoever's there in the balls.

Kenny Rogers: The lone bright side to the 2006 World Series Champion St. Louis Cardinals

Some guy with a camera is laughing.

Another awesome thing about YouTube

Dear AdCritic.com,

You used to taunt me with your premium service that I could not afford.

Now, of course, it is worthless.

Suck on it.

Sincerely,
mb

Does anyone remember the "Oops" segment on Square One TV?

The Peking University Crew team was set to begin its Head of the Charles race. But just before the start, they made a tiny mathematical error. (Arithmetic ensues)

Because of that tiny mistake, just look what happened:


"Oops" is brought to you by erasers. Don't make a mistake without one.

mb recommends

* Sesame Street Old School. A DVD I've waited for for years. Please buy it, so that they will make more (and perhaps soon get going on Square One.

* This neat article about how we know Kenny Rogers cheats, and why it happened when it did, and this tremendous, if dated, guide to the standard pitches in baseball.

* The Complete Twilight Zone on DVD. All 150+ episodes of perhaps the greatest television series ever made.

* This. Immature, yet delightful.

* The best chicken tikka masala in New York.

There's a One Liner Here I'm Just Not Coming Up With

So just watch.

I'll tell you something...

The Audrey Hepburn Gap commercials? And the animated ads for Charles Schwab?

Hate 'em both. Utterly inane.

On Columbus Day, I am clever

Had Columbus been right about sailing to the Indies, the following clip would've served as a post for Columbus Day, Halloween AND Thanksgiving.

Norm MacDonald: An Appreciation

He remains consistently the best talk show guest out there, just ahead of Bruce Willis:

You should also buy his album. It succeeds in making Molly Shannon funny few a few minutes, which is amazing, and the fourth track is one of the funniest things I have ever heard.

Top One Letterman Top Ten Lists I've Seen In Forever

1. This one.

Michelle Malkin, Skank

Tee-hee.

Riffs of Reilly

...Is terrible. No one from SI.com, Sports Illustrated or Rick Reilly Inc will read this, but it needs to be said anyway.

Oh, this takes me back...

...wow.

Screech porn

Unfortunately, it's exactly what it sounds like.

He may have played nerdy eighth-grader Samuel (Screech) Powers in the sitcom "Saved by the Bell." But former TV geek Dustin Diamond can now take his place with Colin Farrell, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock as the star of his very own sex tape.
Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us.

We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."

Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who has brokered some of Hollywood's biggest celebrity-skin deals, confirms that he's acquired the rights to a tape featuring Diamond.

"Just when you think you have seen everything in this business," he tells us, "mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it."

Nancy Grace, Plagiarist

This, on top of everything else.

From suck to blow?

I don't think this is necessarily a good idea.

The new Elmo doll scares the crap out of a dog.

Kenan Lives!

Looka like they got it right after all. Bye bye, Finesse Mitchell.

Nancy Grace, murderer?

I am thoroughly unsurprised.

Not cool.

Humans, the cycle of violence must end with you.

Prospect Lefferts Gardens / Lefferts Manor: It exists

"Where in Brooklyn are you from? ...Huh?"

Naming my neighborhood often prompts confusion, not only on the part of my friends who recently got to NY from Harvard, but also longtime Brooklynites.

The Internet offers hope: Dammit, we exist.

Read and learn.

Mountain Man Dance Moves: The McSweeney's Book of Lists

Pros: Contains four of my lists, including two previously unreleased on the McSweeney's website. Also, 300 or so lists by other people that are also pretty funny.

Cons: One (Update: Two) of those lists contains a typo of sorts, most definitely not my fault. Another has been edited down some, although that probably turned out for the best. The cover, tongue in cheek (do covers have tongues?) looks like an eight-year-old girl's wallpaper. Back cover isn't much better. Also, they haven't paid me yet.

Verdict: The best book ever, until there is a book written completely by me. Buy it immediately!

Alright, I'll weigh in...

Without the ability to switch off the instant publications of your every action, the new Facebook features suck.

The Easter Bunny Hates You was a corporate creation!

I'm actually a little disappointed.

Though when it first appeared NBC had tried to stop it, "Lazy Sunday" ended up a true viral video - a clip that spreads from user to user on the Internet, like a virus. Eventually it could be seen free on NBC.com and iTunes as well as YouTube.

"I think 6 or 7 million people downloaded it when it was circulated in various places," said Beth Comstock, president of digital media and market development for NBC.

After that, she said, "we took our studio to task and said, `What can you create?'"

The result was "The Easter Bunny Hates You," in which a guy in a rented costume beats the stuffing out of everyone in sight.

"Five million people streamed the video or downloaded it in some fashion," said Comstock. "And if you consider that in a cable rating, that's a pretty amazing audience that in just two weeks something that was not even branded NBC reached an audience."

And it was purposely not branded NBC.

"Because it was a bit experimental, because it was viral, we thought it would be best to try it without any sort of branding," she said. "Because it's a bit more authentic right now."

Ugh.

Recall:

Vote Springer in '80

Are there ever anti-climactic deaths involving animals?

Yes. Rest in peace.

Life update

I am rich (not mentioned directly but affected nonetheless) and famous (actually quoted, so to speak, in the extended editorial reviews section for some reason).

America, you're on notice!

Enjoy, Colbert Report fans.

What's awesome enough to get me to post from Aruba?

This.

(Greetings from Aruba, by the way)

Lorne Michaels has apparently mixed up his black people again

NOOOO! Don't fire Kenan! Finesse is awful! Finesse!

But yeah, even I have to admit that Horatio Sanz has exhausted all of his "A Bear Ate My Parents" goodwill.

And Jason Sudeikis over Seth Meyers for Weekend Update? I don't get it.

Who THINKS of this stuff?

At one point recently, it occurred to me that the whole Youtube thing may get old one day.

At one point recently, I was an idiot.

Eyewitness News in the late 80s / early 90s meets Growing Pains:

And now, one of the greatest moments in television history:

There are no words.

A quiet disgrace...

Has anyone noticed that the Guinness Book of World Records is now complete crap? Once a semi-authoritative and comprehensive collection of world records, it has dumbed-down into a collection of pictures with vastly fewer records and some that aren't even real ("most overrated celebrity").

This is tragic, and the Guinness people should be ashamed. FIX. At least make two different ones each year, one being legitimate.

The Shoe-Bomber Story Hero

Very interesting stuff from SI.com.

Snakes On A Plane

Why are you even reading this? GO! GO! GO! GO!

Go while there are still crowds. Most fun I've had at a movie theater, ever.

Snakes On A Plane

Why are you even reading this? GO! GO! GO! GO!

Go while there are still crowds. Most fun I've had at a movie theater, ever.

Reports of Sesame Street's death may have been exaggerated...

Wow. Via Gothamist, the possibility that Sesame Street may in fact be awesome again:

GTA: Coke

As someone who doesn't have the sort of love-love relationship with their ads as I seem to, say, Geico's, I nonetheless must voice my approval of this:

Head On... Apply Directly to the Forehead!

Explained.

I still prefer good Commercials, like this one:

holy shit, dude

I amend my short list of people never to f with to include Jamie Foxx.

Just in case you were curious...

...the drunk driving jerk who ended the season for Duaner Sanchez is Cecil Wiggins of Miami. You know, in case anyone happens to know him.

Just in case you were curious...

...the drunk driving jerk who ended the season for Duaner Sanchez is Cecil Wiggins of Miami. You know, in case anyone happens to know him.

We're here...

Simple, but brilliant.

Vote for the first one.

Because you are here and bored.

Family Guy voices

Pretty much as advertised.

I am about to tear up here

Holy balls, this is exciting.

Damon Hollins!

Good job by this woman.

Elizabeth Smart rocks

Take that, Nancy Grace.

I was hoping someone else saw this

Little Man = Plagiarism.

Garfield: His Ninth Life

Wow.

Don't get me wrong, I hope they find her and everything...

I just would've picked a different picture. That's all.

Do not look any further if you are attempting to study for the NY Bar Exam.

Otherwise:

The most basic forms of humor, almost perfectly employed

Wow.

The Lost Mac Commercials: About time

There is a great deal of truth to this. Even though those Mac commercials were brilliant, Mac people generally need to shut the hell up some.

My favorite sports story of the year

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

Dear Trevor Hoffman,

You are a worthless piece of shit.

Sincerely,
mb

More evidence that the Knicks ruin everyone they acquire

Malik Rose, then:

Malik Rose, Knick:

Courtesy Deadspin.

Stupidest Slogan in the World

Daffy's: "Clothing Bargains for Millionaires."
Why? What does that even mean???

Funnier than Anchorman?

This guy has the advantage of being real:

I was saving this for a special occasion. Apparently, that special occasion is Thursday.

The motion picture event of July. Certainly more cinematic than the original.

Part 1:


Part 2:

More Maury Phobias

Happy 4th!

Here, have some retro Norm:

Centipede vs. bat

Hadn't posted an animal battle in a while. Well, enjoy!

SO, what have you been up to, mb?

Oh, not much. How 'bout yourself?

Forget Fenway for a second

Think happy thoughts.

A touching, inexplicable musical tribute to Mets pitcher Heath Bell

I am speechless.

Where Maury Meets Sesame Street

Wow.

Also, Catherine Keener had to uglify herself to play you in "Capote"

"Now, 75 years later in an abundant society where people have laptops, cell phones, iPods, and minds like empty rooms, I still plod along with books," she writes.

Dear Harper Lee,

You are an arrogant bitch.

Peace,
mb

Siskel vs. Ebert

I've posted this before, but now there's even more of it, and it's awesome.

Because I can

Dream job: Writer on Sesame Street in the 80s.

"South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut" Memo

I find stuff like this fascinating.

A rarely articulated judgment:

What a poor idea for a dictionary.

Oh dear God

Connie Chung. Yikes. How wasn't your show cancelled earlier?

Battletoads in Battlemaniacs

I've already posted Battletoads beaten in 25 minutes here. Now, there's the Super NES version, done in under 20. Enjoy:

I think he meant it as a rhetorical question at the time.

Oh well.

Finals period procrastinations bears some fruit

Here. This won't be one of my four lists in this book.

Re-climbing the list of the world's most threatening countries.

Wow.

Lord of the Idiotic and Inexplicably Hilarious

Penelope Shea

An odd juxtaposition from the last one, but so be it. Meet my friend Sean and Maria's new bundle of joy:

The Mets haven't lost since Penelope Shea's birth. And the Yankees haven't won. Worth noting. If she keeps that up, then yes, she can stay.

Bob Saget: Still Awesome

Saw him do comedy a few years ago. Filthy, hilarious man. This only hints...

No, this type of humor does not ever get old, actually.

How... awkward

Express Vanitas

Korean Kindergarteners and their advanced interrogation techniques

Best line? "Shut up, Josh."

Vanitas

1:04:30.

Also, the most ridiculous photograph in recorded history.

So needless to say, he wanted the mothafuckin' snakes off the mothafuckin' plane

This thing gets even better, amazingly.

Dragon shit!

Even more from the Juggernaut Bitch guys. Wow. Even the racism is lamentably enjoyable.
"

Singin' in the Rain

Blasphemy? In the wrong hands, yes. And especially given so little time. But no, I think this works as a commercial:

And, because it will never be topped, the original:

It's come to this: Viral video sequels with trailers

Trailers that make me more excited than actual movie trailers:

Blessed be the meek

Ugh.

My mind has just been pleasantly blown

I am no music expert, and not even a real music afficionado. But I can see that something important is happening here.

Run, don't walk, friends.

Don't mess with Jack Bauer

Tim sent me this awesome link. Spend some time there. Also, a recent McSweeney's piece I enjoyed.

Probably my next 20 away messages...

I get pleasure from some of the silliest things on Wikipedia.

Things I never thought I'd say

Support the Dixie Chicks. I am this close to buying this damn song...

Thanks, T

Great job filling in. I can think of only one fitting way to salute your blogging stint:

So I lied!

One of the wonderful features of MLB TV is the absence of commercials. Rather than cut to ads in between half-innings, the camera stays at the ballfield, a fact not everyone seems to realize. Between the second and third innings of tonight's Yankees-Mets contest, for instance, Tom Seaver entered the booth for an upcoming interview. Unaware that anyone was listening, he uttered the following: "Where's Webby? Hey Webby! Hey Webby! Go fry your ass!" Everyone had a good laugh.

There. That's my last post. Seriously.

That tree is going down.

Here it is: Kiefer Sutherland tackling a Christmas tree after a night of partying.

That's it from me. You've all been great. Thanks for the guest-posting rights, MB.

The last seconds of this elevate it into A+ territory

Wow.

An unexpected but awesome followup post

One more reason to see X3:

Not sure why this is hilarious? Recall this post.

Bears vs. monkey

I think you can guess how this one ended.

Bears killed and ate a monkey in a Dutch zoo in front of horrified visitors, witnesses and the zoo said Monday. In the incident Sunday at the Beekse Bergen Safari Park, several Sloth bears chased the Barbary macaque into an electric fence, where it was stunned.

It recovered and fled onto a wooden structure, where one bear pursued and mauled it to death.

The park confirmed the killing in a statement, saying: "In an area where Sloth bears, great apes and Barbary macaques have coexisted peacefully for a long time, the harmony was temporarily disturbed during opening hours on Sunday."

Know what fuckin' sucks?

The Family Circus.

Even a stopped clock...

Just goes to show that when the stakes are low enough, even John Podhoretz can write a coherent column.

Brooklyn Scenes

Why? Because I can, and because I like Brooklyn.I have no idea who these people are, or what they are about.

An Update on Bill Cosby

Gone. Just completely gone.

Pac-Man, the movie

I've always wondered what I'd do if I had far too much time on my hands. Hopefully, something like this:

Sometimes, I get jealous of what other people write

This is one example.

Story time!

The following story is, I'm promised, 100 percent true.

A few months back, a female undergraduate at this particular university of ours was asked by a professor of hers to care for his dog for the two weeks he was in Europe. She agreed, but, upon arriving at the professor's house for the first time, discovered that the dog, a large golden retriever, had died in the kitchen.

She eventually got a hold of the professor, who asked that she take care of the situation. She again agreed, though this was a rather large dog and she was not the largest or strongest woman. So she returned to her room to retrieve her large rolling duffle bag, which she intended to use in transporting the dog, apparently.

After locating a crematory and hailing a cab, dead dog in tow, the student came to realize that she did not, in fact, have enough cash and would have to take the T instead. The facility she had chosen was in Dorchester, but she decided against enlisting the help of a friend or returning to her room for additional cash. No, she took the T by herself and, after exiting the station, began dragging the carcas through the streets of Boston.

And, wouldn't you know it, after seeing her struggle, a nice older gentleman asked whether he could offer any assistance. They were, after all, walking in the same direction. She of course said that she would like that very much. Soon they got to talking, and the Good Samaritan inquired what precisely was in the bag he was lugging. She, not wanting to reveal that it was a dead dog, thereby arousing suspicion, replied that it was her stereo.

He, in turn, punched her in the face and took off running in the opposite direction.

Later that night on the evening news there was a very interesting segment on the local news, about a duffle bag that had been ditched on a bus--in that neighborhood, in fact--which had required the attention of the BPD's bomb squad.

We can only hope that they, not knowing what the bag contained, exploded it, as seems to be standard practice nowadays. If so, I'm sure the whole operation was taped--for official records, training, and such. I hope to one day stumble across it, though a search of Google video and YouTube of the phrase "bomb squad blows up dog" has yet to yield anything non-pornographic.

The Internet is Educational

A brief history of babymama.

This was top news today, according to Yahoo!

Why?

MANILA, Philippines - Nearly 4,000 mothers set a world record this week for the largest number of women simultaneously breast-feeding their babies in the same place, organizers said.

Manila Mayor Lito Atienza, whose city is one of the event's organizers, said 3,738 mothers simultaneously breast-fed their babies for at least one minute, breaking the Guinness World Record.

Gross.

Uh...

This is just too easy.

Surprisingly enough, that clip is no spoof. The "oozinator" is a real product, one which is currently marketed by Hasbro. According to its official description, this modified super soaker is an "[a]ir-powered blaster [that] lets you drench your opponents with powerful blasts of water or globs of gooey bio-ooze!"

Globs of gooey bio-ooze you say? But wait, there's more!

"Sneak up on your opponents with a surprise bio-ooze attack! Just when they think you’re coming at ‘em with water, blast ‘em with a shot of icky bio-ooze! Shoot out globs of gooey bio-ooze and then drench ‘em with water! It’s a double blast attack that’ll keep your opponents on their toes and running during every water fight. With the OOZINATOR blaster you don’t just get soaked, you get drenched!"

The super soaker's pump-action was always a little suspicious. That that particular motion now yields the propulsion of a white goo onto someone's face is a little much, though, even for me. And look at those kids! They're probably oblivious to certain obvious parallels, but they're none too pleased anyway.

Here's the real problem, though. The advertisers must know how ridiculous this item is. They know what everyone over the age of twelve is thinking. So why not just throw us a bone? Would it really have been that hard for the kid with the gun to scream, with devilish delight, "Yeah! Money shot!"? I don't ask for much. Hasbro, I'll be watching.

UPDATE: As per PST's suggestion, I will also accept "In ya eye!" in lieu of "Yeah! Money shot!"

Baby bling

The world has gone mad.

I'm not yet sold on this concept, but I'll hold off on making my final judgment until the designer weighs in on MILFs.

Bob, I think we all know who the real winner is.

Some days, you just gotta hand it to potheads:

Note that had Evan stayed exactly consistent, he would've gotten it the second time.

The future looks awesome

Which will be the better fight to the death twenty years from now?

a) Vivica A. Fox's daughter in Kill Bill vs. Uma Thurman's ("The Bride's") daughter?
b) Kobe Bryant's daughter vs. Shaq's daughter born on the same day?

"Eliot House sucks big donkey dicks."

Or so Ben Folds claims at the end of this song, inspired by a beach ball tossed onstage during his concert this evening. Kudos to those who didn't screw up their shot at landing a quality performer this time around.

And now, for no reason at all...

In Mexico, the bread is made by Bimbo.

C for Cookie

Some of the voices could've been better (looking at you, Elmo), but this is still splendid:

Ladies and gentlemen...

Your 2006 graduate orator. Get excited.

Ah, the good old days

Single tear.

Father Judge actually knew Patrick Fitzgerald slightly; who was two years ahead of him in school. Fitzgerald was--no surprise here--on the debate team. Father Judge was on the speech team. Among other things, the school, Judge pointed out, won its 17th State Speech championish [sic] this year: "Our kids are kinda geeks," he said, "Not very good at sports, but good at things like speech and debate."

You kick my dog...

I'm going to [expletive] your daughter. You know damn well what I'm talking about! On a completely unrelated note, damn you, New Jersey Devils. Damn you.

"Repeat after me, bitch"

"I come in the name of Jesus!" And in the name of not doing things "whitey's way," apparently. Also, I can't be sure, but I think this cable access preacher takes a call from Satan midway through the program. One day, I'm going to call the provided phone number tomorrow, I think. Best line: "Bitch, I'm flowin' straight from the survival scroll! Cut that bitch off!"

Midgets, fighting

Arguably the greatest video ever. Wait, who am I kidding? There's no way there's a counter-argument.

David Copperfield foils robbery!

Sort of.

As cool as the other side of the pillow

An NCAA-styled bracket featuring the most annoying/overplayed SportsCenter catchphrases ever. Stuart Scott, you're going down.

By the way, Kevin Mench, you didn't think to get your foot remeasured before I cut you from my fantasy team? You are the worst.

Things haven't changed

But intramural softball writeups seem to have gotten a bit out of hand.

On a completely unrelated subject, I too am thrilled about the dawn of PTI podcasts, but am quite disturbed by the Barbara Streisand lovefest Kornheiser and Wilbon partook in towards the end of yesterday's show.

They said they'd do better next time, and they have.

Pardon the Interruption is now available as a podcast. I'm not sure how to describe how awesome this is.

Can you say "Snakes On A Plane"?

Imagine my surprise when I showed up to a lecture I have not attended in weeks only to be treated to a Q&A with one of the producers responsible for...Snakes On A Plane! The film, currently slated for an August release, did indeed reshoot for five days to incorporate fan-generated material circulating on the internet.

Other notes of interest: the film was given the green light because of its title ("I went to my boss and said, 'We have to do this! It's SNAKES ON A PLANE!'"), the producers opposed changing the title (contrary to what Samuel L. Jackson claims, so it's fair to assume the producer was lying), and the story was scrapped and rewritten eight--yes, eight--times before New Line was satisfied that it could go forward. Apparently, no one was ever really satisfied with why there were snakes on the plane to begin with. I'm glad they settled on the mob-witness angle instead of the research experiment gone awry.

Holy balls, it's Camp Candy

Found this on youtube. I can only assume that the people who posted it were its copyright holders. Many of you may not remember this. All you need to know is that John Candy once had a cartoon show in which he played a camp counselor. Here is one episode.

There are no words

WARNING: The following video is quite humorous. I recommend you stop eating or drinking prior to viewing, else you will choke. Put away all dangerous items, as you will only harm yourself after you lose control of your extremities.

There are, as I said, no words.

Curb jobs and such

You've no doubt already seen this clip of a FoxNews reporter's slip up. Still worthwhile though.

Oh yes. Still good.

How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got Her Ass Busted for Plagiarism

Uh-oh. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

This couldn't possibly be real.

Or could it? Either way, this car dealership ad is mildly amusing.

It's certainly enticing. I have the feeling that I might be able to fulfill the no down payment requirements.

Ladies and gentlemen...

EDIT: I have decided to take the anti-Mets video down. It saddens me. My blog shouldn't sadden me. That said, I do appreciate Tim's birthday wishes.

-mb, 4/22/06.

A new brilliant blog

Awesome concept. Haven't read enough to get a sense of the execution yet.

I'm so excited, I'm so excited...

Etc.

Cows

It's really long.

I don't mean to make this a recurring theme...

But I couldn't resist. Here they are: Condoms for morons.

Actually, I guess this is in everyone's best interest. Those who can't figure out how to put on a regular condom are precisely the people who ought to be using them in the first place, I'd imagine. Way to go, science.

Zazoo advertisement

This ad is fairly clever, though I'm 99 percent sure I'd have dragged the kid from the store and spanked him back in line well before the punchline was delivered, were I the parent in question. Well, that's Europe for you. Or something.

The Onion... Good Lord

Okay, I know this is old. But it is the most tactless, and consequently one of the funniest, Onion bits I've ever seen. Ready? Wow.

And for those of you who don't know: Here.

Yeah. They went there.

Horrible. And more horrible that I cannot stop laughing.

There's no escaping the WNBA

The WNBA is celebrating its 10th anniversary this season. How do I know this? Because every time I listen to streaming audio of Rangers games over the internet said fact is jammed down my throat during commercial breaks.

You know, it's bad enough that this sort of funny business goes on during NBA games. The league should know by now that none of the middle-aged men kicking back with a beer to watch the game of the week on ABC is going to shell out the cash to watch 10 awkward women play a sport they're not all that good at in the first place. And that's even before accounting for the fact that said ladies will probably celebrate if anyone on either team manages to "dunk" without hurting herself. But if you're watching the NBA, you can at least prepare yourself. You know this lousy sales pitch is coming.

But I'm not ready for it. I'm listening to the NHL! I'm not aware of what looms just beyond the start of the commercial break, and, without warning, there it is: Some poor sap claiming he remembers exactly where he was when the New York Liberty scored a critical bucket to advance to the league championship some years ago. He even remembers the date. Then another guy claiming he too recalls the precise day on which the Liberty did something else not worth remembering. He and his daughter jumped up and down so violently that they broke a vase sitting on a nearby table. Of course, this man is obviously lying. Studies have actually shown that anyone virile enough to produce viable offspring is genetically incapable of watching the WNBA, let alone being excited by said fact. So either this guy's wife cheated on him, or he's simply not telling the truth, whoring himself out to the detriment of us all. Either way, I hate the WNBA.

UPDATE: The first guy was actually in attendance at the first Liberty game at MSG. He reports that he had goosebumps and that it was "more than just a game." The narrator wraps up the ad with a voiceover in which she claims, "The WNBA: 10 years, and so much more." I will now throw up in my mouth.

TomKat Update!

More on what will no doubt prove to be one very screwed up child.

The Tomkitten has arrived. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes...had a baby girl Tuesday, said Cruise spokesman Arnold Robinson. The baby, named Suri, weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces and measured 20 inches long, he said.

The name Suri has its origins in Hebrew, meaning "princess," or in Persian, meaning "red rose," the statement said.

Additional details on the "silent" birth and the fate of the placenta were not disclosed. Too bad. I'm actually quite curious as to why the security guards were videotaping the journalists camped outside Casa de Crazy. Sigh.

Auditioning to be a commentator on FoxNews?

This could be a over-the-top parody of FoxNews, but I'm going to go ahead and say that it isn't, and this guy's just offering up his best impression of Sean Hannity. A little scary, to be sure, but not that much more frightening than watching the real thing.

His vote counts just as much as yours, by the way.

The Anti-Christ is born

The as-yet-unnamed Cruise-Holmes spawn was delivered earlier today. No word on whether Cruise made good on his promise to eat the placenta. More to follow, I'm sure.

Months late, but still awesome.

Jonelle sent me word of an event I may have to attend.

Nicholas Cage doing...something

Midway through season two of HBO's "Entourage," movie star Vincent Chase is forced to shoot a foreign commercial to pay off his debts, which had spiraled wildly out of control after a film contract offer was pulled. Though hesitant at first, he eventually relents because his agent assures him it will never appear on American soil. Well, thanks to YouTube, the same can no longer be said of Nicholas Cage's crappy overseas endeavors.

It's bad enough that the ad makes no sense, but Cage's acting is pretty lousy, too.

Can't say I'm the slightest bit surprised

Remember when Tom Cruise used to be not crazy? Yeah, neither can I. At least not any more. There was once a time I'd never have believed this, but that's no longer the case.

Tom Cruise has claimed he will eat the placenta after fiancée Katie Holmes has their baby.

The actor, 43—who wants her to give birth in silence according to his Scientology cult rules—said: “I’m gonna eat the placenta, too."

“I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I’m going to eat the cord and the placenta right there.”

But when a GQ magazine interviewer said it would be a big meal, Cruise replied: “OK, maybe I won’t.”

I think it's safe to say that Tom Cruise has lost his mind. Again.

That video was right

As previously suggested on this page, the Easter Bunny does indeed kick ass 364 days a year, getting in his last licks just one day before the celebration of the resurrection here.

Portis on Portis

As seen on Deadspin, Clinton Portis waxes poetic on pornography, strip clubs, sex tapes, and all things X-rated. You know, it's too bad Portis is locked into an eight-year deal with the Redskins. A larger media market would in all likelihood elevate him to a whole new level of crazy. Good crazy. Genius crazy. But still crazy.

Rims?

Rims.

Brave new world

Attorneys for the U.S. Attorney's office in Seattle recently secured a warrant that would allow them to seize two defendants' grills following their arrests for drug- and weapons-related crimes, apparently not realizing that these particular grills were permanently bonded to said individuals' teeth. One outside expert was particularly hyperbolic in his condemnation of the government's behavior:

"I've been doing this for over 30 years and I have never heard of anything like this," said Richard J. Troberman, a forfeiture specialist and past president of the Washington Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers. "It sounds like Nazi Germany when they were removing the gold teeth from the bodies, but at least then they waited until they were dead."

Lest he be outdone, the gold-toothed duo's attorney remarked: "It's shocking that this kind of action by the federal government could be sought and accomplished in secret, without anyone being notified. It reminds me of the secret detentions [in terrorist cases]."

The government abandoned its efforts to seize the grills after learning they were not of the retainer variety.

Monkeys, money, and prostitution

The authors of Freakonomics now have a regular column in the New York Times Magazine. This week, they addressed ongoing studies concerning capuchin monkeys and their understanding of money. Of course, once conditioned to treat silver coins as currency, the monkeys stole, cheated, and whored themselves out, proving once and for all that a planet of the apes would be no better than the one we currently inhabit.

Laser Cats

I'm not even sure that this is all that funny, and it certainly lacks the originality of their first effort, but these digital shorts are the only sketches on SNL worth watching at this point.

UPDATE: NBC has had this video removed from YouTube for copyright infringement. You know, you'd think that a network languishing in or near last place would take all the free advertising it could get, particularly for a show that has been pretty crappy for, what, five years running? Laser cats can now be seen here.

Another sequel - NBA Bitches Vol. 2: Yao Ming

The guys who did NBA Bitches Vol. 1: Shawn Bradley were serious:

It includes another "main bitch" sequence, but not Shaq this time. And it promises Vol. 3: Greg Ostertag. That might be the best one of all.

Mice strike back

What, motherfucker?

Man v. Hooters

A former assistant manager of an Alabama Hooters restaurant is suing his former employer for wrongful termination after blowing the whistle on a consultant who advised waitresses to spice up their service.

In his April 7 U.S. District Court complaint...the 31-year-old Gray claims that a trainer named Cat told waitresses that they were "the ones with the pussys [sic] and you are in control because of that." Then she reportedly added, "If you need the extra money, go ahead and suck a dick or fuck a customer if the money is right."

I'm relatively confident that the decision in this case will someday be referred to as "the 21st-century Lochner." Regardless, this whole mess, at the very least, kind of makes you wonder what the servers at the Acapulco Hooters we decided not to eat at a couple of weeks ago were instructed to do for that extra peso.

The Easter Bunny hates you...

Come to think of it, I have always wondered what the Easter Bunny is up to the rest of the year...

I found that far more enjoyable than I should have.

No witty header here

This is just depressing.

A father is accused of punching his 9-year-old son after a baseball game, apparently because he was upset by his son's performance.

The boy suffered a black eye and bruises, according to a police report filed by the boy's mother. The mother took out a protection order, and according to that affidavit, the father swung his right fist at the boy while they were riding home in the car after a baseball game. The boy had struck out twice in the game.

The report said the boy suffered a fat lip, black eye, bruised brow and bruised ear. The mother said she confronted her husband and asked him what she should tell the boy's teachers. He allegedly said to tell them that the boy doesn't listen.

Fantastic.

Bonds under investigation for perjury

Barry Bonds recorded his first RBI of the season in Game 1 of the Giants-Padres doubleheader today. Through six games, he is batting a meager .188 with three runs scored and zero home runs. And that's nowhere near the worst of it.

CNN reported earlier today that Bonds is potentially under investigation for false statements given to the grand jury during the BALCO investigation. The report is rather vague on the details. The U.S. Attorney refused comment and Bonds' lawyer seemed to have no idea anything was in the works, but we should be in store for quite an episode of "Bonds on Bonds" this week. Or not.

Then there's this.

Real original. Yeah, I know. But it's a different breed of centipede. And a far more compelling chase. So there you go.

Comedy Central disappoints again

Comedy Central has had a decidedly European sensibility about it as of late, come to think of it. Though I've never found the religious satire of Matt Stone and Trey Parker to be particularly funny, at least they've always proven themselves to be equal opportunity offenders. Until now, that is, thanks to their censors.

Comedy Central said in a statement issued Thursday: "In light of recent world events, we feel we made the right decision." Its executives would not comment further.

As is often the case with Parker and Stone, they built "South Park" around the incident. In Wednesday's episode, the character Kyle is shown trying to persuade a Fox network executive to air an uncensored "Family Guy" even though it had an image of Mohammed.

"Either it's all OK, or none of it is," Kyle said. "Do the right thing."

The executive decides to strike a blow for free speech and agrees to show it. But at the point where Mohammed is to be seen, the screen is filled with the message: "Comedy Central has refused to broadcast an image of Mohammed on their network."

Fear not, though. God, Jesus, Moses and all the rest of the gang are still fair game this holiday season.

Pat Stango, Hidden Camera Guy

Okay, so I'll still be posting some here and there. Here is a video by a friend of mine, Pat Stango:

You feel cheaper for laughing, don't you? But you can't help it.

This was probably a mistake...

I was going to post a different video of a centipede devouring a helpless mouse—if only to ease the transition—but thought better of it in the end. Here, instead, are the introductions from the best and worst television shows of the '70s, '80s, and '90s, as well as a selection of public service spots from the same stretch, highlighted by a rather unfortunate crystal meth warning.

Also, it seems Kevin Smith has run out of money.

In a move I will surely regret...

...I'm inviting TJM to guest blog for me for a couple weeks while I attempt to graduate.

Know how they say death comes in threes?

This can't be a good time to be one of the other two Pointer Sisters.

Terrible. Here, let me make up for it: Read Gary Smith's excellent story on Max Kellerman and his brother in this week's Sports Illustrated.

I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

Another animal confrontation video: Snake regurgitates hippo!

Remember the one viral video of the federal agent who accidentally shot himself in front of a roomful of schoolchildren?

Follow-up!

For Grizzly Man fans

Here is a McSweeney's piece, "Timothy Treadwell's Screen Test for Cheers."

New Animal Battle!

I haven't done one of these in a while. Who wins: A giant centipede or a mouse?
I think you can guess.

Patrick Fitzgerald and Regis High School

An interesting interview with his alma mater here.

8 flavors of hilarious

But I link it because of the one bit with the stepped-on hand, which reduced me to tears.

Game Six Re-Enacted in RBI Baseball

Simply amazing. Turn your volume up and enjoy.

Leave Harrison Ford's wives alone!

Wow, it really has been the same movie all along.

A three-sentence recipe for a guilty grin

Voila.

Chipper Jones sprained his right ankle in the eighth inning. The Braves' third baseman charged in on Mike Matheny's slow roller with two outs, appearing to get his spikes caught in the soggy field. He grabbed his knee as soon as he went to the ground and rolled around on the field in pain, staying down for several minutes before being helped off.

Shawn Bradley, NBA Bitch

A lowlight reel:

WFAN to stream on the Internet...

This should've happened years ago, like back when I was gonna start living in Boston for 7 years, not now that I'm about to move back to New York. Better late than never, I guess.

Best 30-second bunny re-enactment movie since Pulp Fiction?

Brokeback Mountain.

Here are the rest.

"Give me some bricks! I can wear bricks!"

Very funny and oddly affecting reaction to the unveiling of the plans for the Mets' gorgeous new ballpark.

Even tragic epidemics have their funny historical footnotes.

Yikes. And yikes.

Here is some supporting material.

One of the more clever uses of Flash animation, ever.

Brilliant!

Met-allica!

Well done. This almost makes up for killing napster.

Pretty much what my upcoming summer would look like, but for the bar...

Mike and the Mad Dog are idiots.

Their treatment of the "Enter Sandman" "controversy" is inane even beyond their usual mark. Well done, Matt Cerrone of MetsBlog. By the way, if you're a Met fan and not reading Cerrone's site every day, you are missing out. Great baseball site. Some others I like are David Pinto's Baseball Musings, the Baseball Crank (but only his baseball stuff, not his excess misguided political baggage), Aaron Gleeman and, probably the best of them all, Buster Olney's ESPN Insider blog, even if it isn't free. And, of course, this one.

More fun with this century.

On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in
the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

What just happened?

I am scared.

Was this real?

If not, it's a cruel hoax. If so, the Best Damn Sports Show, Period lived up to its name for once:

Update: No, it was fake.

A new blog I think I like quite a bit...

...and one that could lead to a book deal, if this guy plays his cards right.
Update: And by "guy" I meant "girl."

Something I never thought I'd see

Swedish fish as something less than delicious and pleasing.

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod...

Why did we trade him? What a tremendous team building exercise this could have been!

Sexpot Anna Benson and her ex-Met hubby are headed for Splitsville after she caught him fooling around with one of her friends, the Daily News has learned.
The naughtiest wife in baseball filed for divorce yesterday from pitcher Kris Benson, who was traded in the off-season from the Mets to the Baltimore Orioles.

"She's completely crushed; she didn't see this coming," said Anna Benson's spokesman, Jules Feiler. "She had no choice but to take this action."

What's bad for Kris Benson could be good for new teammates Miguel Tejada, Melvin Mora and the rest of the O's.

Anna Benson once vowed to sleep with every one of her husband's teammates if she caught him in the sack with another woman.

"I told him, 'Cheat on me all you want.' If you get caught, I'm going to [have sex with] everybody on your entire team," she told Howard Stern on his radio show in 2004. "Everyone would get a turn."

But Anna Benson's spokesman warned the Orioles not to get their hopes up. "I think she was joking," Feiler said.

Nice Try, Anna Benson

I'm going on record now: This divorce report smells like a hoax.

Alabama leprechaun

Very little comment here, except AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA:

VD cartoon!

Disney on Venereal Disease in the 50s. Best cartoon ever?

Festival of Shame

For all you fans of Arnold Diaz's "Shame On You" reports on WCBS 2-NY: Arnold has up and moved to Fox 5. "Shame on you" has been replaced by "Shame Shame Shame," with a corresponding new theme song.
And Diaz makes a conscious effort to say "shame" more.

a rare episode of "mb draws the line"

Wow. No. Tempting--actually, really tempting--but no.

Am I right folks?

This sounds like the setup for a tremendous bit of jihad-related stand-up comedy, but I am having difficulty coming up with the punch line:

Mr. Moussaoui said there were times when a Muslim can lie without being immoral: to reconcile Muslims, to answer "yes" when a wife asks, "Am I beautiful?" and to carry out jihad.

Anybody come up with anything?

In the end, it's a guy juggling and it's the Beatles.

Marvel.

The dangers of overthinking things

Everyone makes mistakes, Sports Illustrated:

While we're tweaking SI: the magazine ran an embarrassing NBA item a few weeks ago. Entitled "True Gauge," it announced: "Want to separate contenders from pretenders? NBA coaches and executives do so by looking at what is key come the playoffs: the ability to protect home court and to win on the road. Subtract home losses from road wins, and you'll find these teams on top." What follows is a list of the teams with the best differential between home wins and road losses; stunningly, these teams are the Pistons, Spurs, Mavericks, Heat, and Suns—the same teams that have the best records in the league. You see, teams play the same number of home and road games, so the difference between home wins and road losses tells you nothing the league standings don't. And yes, a won-and-loss record is a "true gauge" of an NBA team, and it's important to both win at home and on the road; or, you might also say, to win games. Also key, therefore, is to score more points than your opponent; look out for a chart revealing that insight on a newsstand near you.

Usually, I'm a pretty arrogant New Yorker...

...but even I must occasionally admit when the rest of the country's ahead of our game.

March 25, 2006 -- SAY goodbye to "The Tony Danza Show." Danza told his viewers yesterday to "enjoy the rest of the run . . . We are going to finish real strong and enjoy what we have left."
"Danza" performs strongly in New York, but never caught on nationwide, despite getting a timeslot upgrade this season in L.A.

A lot of 80s and 90s television.

Wow. All right. Enjoy.

And now, something genuinely educational

...if still pointless. Where do these guys get the time? Michael Jackson's connection to Sega and Sonic the Hedgehog, revealed!

E.W.A. - Gangsta Gangsta

Not as good as it could've been, but parts of this are excellent.

Mortal Peep Fight

Would I hate these people if I met them in real life?

Probably.

But this is still funny.

Another Snakes on a Plane item?

Yes. But this is all you need to know:

In any event, "Snakes"-ophiles already were hard at work. Chris Rohan of Bethesda, Md., created an elaborate, R-rated audio trailer that lovingly mocks the title and movie. "It's a genius title," Rohan said. "It's so stupid it's great. It invites satire, but it's something you just love. It's something I can't explain. You either get it or you don't."

The audio bit uses a Jackson sound-alike shouting, "I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane!" Soon, the growing legion of fans added their voices as they demanded that that phrase also appear in the movie.

Apparently, the studio got the hint. When Ellis assembled Jackson and others for the recent shoot, the filmmakers added more gore, more death, more nudity, more snakes and more death scenes. And they shot a scene where Jackson does utter the line that fans have demanded.

This movie could change the industry forever.

Two, maybe three people will find this funny

I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!

Oh my. Sure, it deteriorates after the amazing first few minutes, but...

Dear Sport of Women's Basketball,

I don't know what game you saw, but only one of these even came close to actually being a "dunk."

Sorry.

-mb

Official Snakes on a Plane teaser trailer?!?!?!

The midget I saw a couple months ago

Back in January, I went to NY for a couple days and saw a midget impersonate Michael Jackson in Times Square station. I took some pictures, but my camera isn't very good. Thanks, these guys, for getting it right.

Will Wright has outdone himself

Spore looks absolutely mindbogglingly good.

For all you mb fans...

Stay tuned. This will apparently involve me.

Baseball Bugs, revisited

Bugs Bunny: A Baseball Analysis

Chef to South Park: Suck my chocolate salty balls

Good night, Ike Hayes. Score one for scientology, I guess.

I wanna see how they kill of his character.

Much less funny when there are no witches involved.

Yikes.

Somewhere in the Hall of Underrated Saturday Night Live Skits...

...maybe down the aisle from the Centaur Job Interview in a closet, are these Maya Angelou gems:

Is there ever a bad time to post this?

Kripsy Kreme... Burgers

Yikes.

The Muppet Matrix

The end clinched it for me: Worth posting.

This is getting pathetic.

Get over it, Brokeback Mountain fans. At least two of the nominated films were better. Possibly three, I'm still on the fence about Munich.

"My Memoirs of My Geisha"

My favorite McSweeney's piece in a while.

It translates to "need glasses?"

And it probably isn't safe to view at work.

The Best Athlete Ever

Actually, no. But it's probably better that he stays only a little famous.

If you aren't watching 24, I feel bad for you.

That is all.

The New York Knicks are a laughingstock.

Really. This is what laughingstocks are. They get laughed at just like this.

On Crash winning Best Picture...

A lot of people out there are complaining, already. Myself, I would've voted for Good Night and Good Luck, probably before Crash, and both before Brokeback. All were movies that were very good, but somehow lacking. Brokeback was overhyped as a favorite, and this result was thoroughly predictable.

What I like about this is that now, perhaps studios with good movies won't be afraid to release them before November, for fear of killing their Oscar chances. If anything, this should be a liberating experience for Hollywood, one that allows quality films to be released the whole year round.

Live Action Simpsons

Pretty cool, even though it's evidently British:

The next wave in fake trailers... a real movie?

We don't have a real trailer for Snakes on a Plane yet. So someone made one:

This will be the best summer of my life.

Get excited!

Brokeback Orgy!

Parody orgy, that is. Someone found the motherlode.

For your viewing pleasure...

This should about wrap up my dunk fetish period.

The Question of Our Time

Do you link to the bounceometer?

Yes, yes you do.

Nancy Grace makes shit up.

Is anyone surprised that she's a fraud? A victim, sure, but a fraud nonetheless? I'm not.

Well done, NY Observer. (Although you still need to work on your webpage and permanently archiving stories. I'm sure the above link will lead to a story about Todd Bridges or something within a week).

MC Hammer has a blog.

No additional commentary is needed.

And now, a feature I call, "Holiday Cards I Got Several Months Too Late"

Wow.

more from mashup central

As I sort of predicted, someone made an Empire Strikes Back/Brokeback parody. Still not as good as Brokeback to the Future.