Thursday, January 05, 2006

This Week in Clinton Portis

This week's media address gave the world his most subtle character portrayal yet, Coach Janky Spanky.

Bonus: Here is Clinton's season of press conferences to date:
Week 4 - Racquetball goggles. First sign that eccentric Thursdays were on the way.

Week 5 - Oversized, retro, mahogany-colored sunglasses, a star in the making as he prepared for his first game against his old team, Denver. "It's going to be like Hollywood," he said.

Week 7 - Wild gray wig and rectangular-lensed, sci-fi glasses that made him look like Doc Brown from "Back to the Future." "I might as well keep a sense of humor because if I leave it up to you all, you're going to run me into the ground," he said.

Week 8 - "Southeast Jerome." Flowing black cape, black Lone Ranger mask, clown-style oversized yellow sunglasses perched atop a shaggy black wig, and fake gold teeth. "You've heard of 'Vampire from Brooklyn'? We'll, I'm Jerome from Southeast D.C.," Portis said. "Going to the big city and night lights this week up there in New York City."

Week 9 - "Dr. I Don't Know." Huge bright red-orange wig, pink ornamental glasses and a thick black Victorian-style mustache. Announces the death of "Southeast Jerome." "I did the autopsy on Southeast Jerome," he said. "These glasses were white, but mixing them with blood, it just so happened they turned pink."

Week 10 - "Sheriff Gonna Getcha." Led Zeppelin shirt, bad teeth, big glasses and sheriff's star. Says he's going to Tampa to investigate the disappearance of "Southeast Jerome."

Week 11 - "Dolla Bill." Lime green leisure suit with purple and black cuffs, sunglasses that spelled the word "cool," purple-spiked wig and fake jewelry.

Week 13 - "Rev. Gonna Change." Black and white wig with red and black tie, goofy black glasses and fake gold teeth. Said he had planned to stop the dress-up routine because of the team's three-game losing streak. "As I told people I wasn't going to do it, it was like, 'We need something positive around here, keep a good attitude,"' he said. "It's just team morale."

Week 14 - "Bro Sweets." Huge yellow wig, enormous yellow-framed, heart-shaped sunglasses - and four arms. (Antonio Brown is standing behind him.) The extra arms are used to distribute jewelry and candy. Says his favorite candy bar is Payday because "It goes a long ways."

Week 15 - Practice is rescheduled due to ice storm, so Portis appears without costume. "I had a great idea," he said. "It would have been great for Dallas week."

Week 16 - "Inspector Two-Two." Fake nose and glasses and an old leather football helmet with blonde pigtails on top.

Week 17 - "Southeast Jerome in Heaven." All-white angel outfit. Six other players stand by his side in various costumes. "I'm here in heaven with all my friends," Portis said.

Playoff week - "Coach Janky Spanky." Says he should have been hired to run the defense instead of Gregg Williams. "I took the Boys and Girls Club to the Super Bowl," he said.-