Oh, this takes me back...

...wow.

Screech porn

Unfortunately, it's exactly what it sounds like.

He may have played nerdy eighth-grader Samuel (Screech) Powers in the sitcom "Saved by the Bell." But former TV geek Dustin Diamond can now take his place with Colin Farrell, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock as the star of his very own sex tape.
Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us.

We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."

Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who has brokered some of Hollywood's biggest celebrity-skin deals, confirms that he's acquired the rights to a tape featuring Diamond.

"Just when you think you have seen everything in this business," he tells us, "mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it."

Nancy Grace, Plagiarist

This, on top of everything else.

From suck to blow?

I don't think this is necessarily a good idea.

The new Elmo doll scares the crap out of a dog.

Kenan Lives!

Looka like they got it right after all. Bye bye, Finesse Mitchell.

Nancy Grace, murderer?

I am thoroughly unsurprised.

Not cool.

Humans, the cycle of violence must end with you.

Prospect Lefferts Gardens / Lefferts Manor: It exists

"Where in Brooklyn are you from? ...Huh?"

Naming my neighborhood often prompts confusion, not only on the part of my friends who recently got to NY from Harvard, but also longtime Brooklynites.

The Internet offers hope: Dammit, we exist.

Read and learn.

Mountain Man Dance Moves: The McSweeney's Book of Lists

Pros: Contains four of my lists, including two previously unreleased on the McSweeney's website. Also, 300 or so lists by other people that are also pretty funny.

Cons: One (Update: Two) of those lists contains a typo of sorts, most definitely not my fault. Another has been edited down some, although that probably turned out for the best. The cover, tongue in cheek (do covers have tongues?) looks like an eight-year-old girl's wallpaper. Back cover isn't much better. Also, they haven't paid me yet.

Verdict: The best book ever, until there is a book written completely by me. Buy it immediately!

Alright, I'll weigh in...

Without the ability to switch off the instant publications of your every action, the new Facebook features suck.

The Easter Bunny Hates You was a corporate creation!

I'm actually a little disappointed.

Though when it first appeared NBC had tried to stop it, "Lazy Sunday" ended up a true viral video - a clip that spreads from user to user on the Internet, like a virus. Eventually it could be seen free on NBC.com and iTunes as well as YouTube.

"I think 6 or 7 million people downloaded it when it was circulated in various places," said Beth Comstock, president of digital media and market development for NBC.

After that, she said, "we took our studio to task and said, `What can you create?'"

The result was "The Easter Bunny Hates You," in which a guy in a rented costume beats the stuffing out of everyone in sight.

"Five million people streamed the video or downloaded it in some fashion," said Comstock. "And if you consider that in a cable rating, that's a pretty amazing audience that in just two weeks something that was not even branded NBC reached an audience."

And it was purposely not branded NBC.

"Because it was a bit experimental, because it was viral, we thought it would be best to try it without any sort of branding," she said. "Because it's a bit more authentic right now."

Ugh.

Recall:

Vote Springer in '80

Are there ever anti-climactic deaths involving animals?

Yes. Rest in peace.

Life update

I am rich (not mentioned directly but affected nonetheless) and famous (actually quoted, so to speak, in the extended editorial reviews section for some reason).

America, you're on notice!

Enjoy, Colbert Report fans.

What's awesome enough to get me to post from Aruba?

This.

(Greetings from Aruba, by the way)

Lorne Michaels has apparently mixed up his black people again

NOOOO! Don't fire Kenan! Finesse is awful! Finesse!

But yeah, even I have to admit that Horatio Sanz has exhausted all of his "A Bear Ate My Parents" goodwill.

And Jason Sudeikis over Seth Meyers for Weekend Update? I don't get it.

Who THINKS of this stuff?

At one point recently, it occurred to me that the whole Youtube thing may get old one day.

At one point recently, I was an idiot.

Eyewitness News in the late 80s / early 90s meets Growing Pains:

And now, one of the greatest moments in television history:

There are no words.

A quiet disgrace...

Has anyone noticed that the Guinness Book of World Records is now complete crap? Once a semi-authoritative and comprehensive collection of world records, it has dumbed-down into a collection of pictures with vastly fewer records and some that aren't even real ("most overrated celebrity").

This is tragic, and the Guinness people should be ashamed. FIX. At least make two different ones each year, one being legitimate.

The Shoe-Bomber Story Hero

Very interesting stuff from SI.com.

Snakes On A Plane

Why are you even reading this? GO! GO! GO! GO!

Go while there are still crowds. Most fun I've had at a movie theater, ever.

Snakes On A Plane

Why are you even reading this? GO! GO! GO! GO!

Go while there are still crowds. Most fun I've had at a movie theater, ever.

Reports of Sesame Street's death may have been exaggerated...

Wow. Via Gothamist, the possibility that Sesame Street may in fact be awesome again:

GTA: Coke

As someone who doesn't have the sort of love-love relationship with their ads as I seem to, say, Geico's, I nonetheless must voice my approval of this:

Head On... Apply Directly to the Forehead!

Explained.

I still prefer good Commercials, like this one:

holy shit, dude

I amend my short list of people never to f with to include Jamie Foxx.

Just in case you were curious...

...the drunk driving jerk who ended the season for Duaner Sanchez is Cecil Wiggins of Miami. You know, in case anyone happens to know him.

Just in case you were curious...

...the drunk driving jerk who ended the season for Duaner Sanchez is Cecil Wiggins of Miami. You know, in case anyone happens to know him.

We're here...

Simple, but brilliant.

Vote for the first one.

Because you are here and bored.

Family Guy voices

Pretty much as advertised.

I am about to tear up here

Holy balls, this is exciting.

Damon Hollins!

Good job by this woman.

Elizabeth Smart rocks

Take that, Nancy Grace.

I was hoping someone else saw this

Little Man = Plagiarism.

Garfield: His Ninth Life

Wow.

Don't get me wrong, I hope they find her and everything...

I just would've picked a different picture. That's all.

Do not look any further if you are attempting to study for the NY Bar Exam.

Otherwise:

The most basic forms of humor, almost perfectly employed

Wow.

The Lost Mac Commercials: About time

There is a great deal of truth to this. Even though those Mac commercials were brilliant, Mac people generally need to shut the hell up some.

My favorite sports story of the year

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

Dear Trevor Hoffman,

You are a worthless piece of shit.

Sincerely,
mb

More evidence that the Knicks ruin everyone they acquire

Malik Rose, then:

Malik Rose, Knick:

Courtesy Deadspin.

Stupidest Slogan in the World

Daffy's: "Clothing Bargains for Millionaires."
Why? What does that even mean???

Funnier than Anchorman?

This guy has the advantage of being real:

I was saving this for a special occasion. Apparently, that special occasion is Thursday.

The motion picture event of July. Certainly more cinematic than the original.

Part 1:


Part 2:

More Maury Phobias

Happy 4th!

Here, have some retro Norm:

Centipede vs. bat

Hadn't posted an animal battle in a while. Well, enjoy!

SO, what have you been up to, mb?

Oh, not much. How 'bout yourself?

Forget Fenway for a second

Think happy thoughts.

A touching, inexplicable musical tribute to Mets pitcher Heath Bell

I am speechless.

Where Maury Meets Sesame Street

Wow.

Also, Catherine Keener had to uglify herself to play you in "Capote"

"Now, 75 years later in an abundant society where people have laptops, cell phones, iPods, and minds like empty rooms, I still plod along with books," she writes.

Dear Harper Lee,

You are an arrogant bitch.

Peace,
mb

Siskel vs. Ebert

I've posted this before, but now there's even more of it, and it's awesome.

Because I can

Dream job: Writer on Sesame Street in the 80s.

"South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut" Memo

I find stuff like this fascinating.

A rarely articulated judgment:

What a poor idea for a dictionary.

Oh dear God

Connie Chung. Yikes. How wasn't your show cancelled earlier?

Battletoads in Battlemaniacs

I've already posted Battletoads beaten in 25 minutes here. Now, there's the Super NES version, done in under 20. Enjoy:

I think he meant it as a rhetorical question at the time.

Oh well.

Finals period procrastinations bears some fruit

Here. This won't be one of my four lists in this book.

Re-climbing the list of the world's most threatening countries.

Wow.

Lord of the Idiotic and Inexplicably Hilarious

Penelope Shea

An odd juxtaposition from the last one, but so be it. Meet my friend Sean and Maria's new bundle of joy:

The Mets haven't lost since Penelope Shea's birth. And the Yankees haven't won. Worth noting. If she keeps that up, then yes, she can stay.

Bob Saget: Still Awesome

Saw him do comedy a few years ago. Filthy, hilarious man. This only hints...

No, this type of humor does not ever get old, actually.

How... awkward

Express Vanitas

Korean Kindergarteners and their advanced interrogation techniques

Best line? "Shut up, Josh."

Vanitas

1:04:30.

Also, the most ridiculous photograph in recorded history.

So needless to say, he wanted the mothafuckin' snakes off the mothafuckin' plane

This thing gets even better, amazingly.

Dragon shit!

Even more from the Juggernaut Bitch guys. Wow. Even the racism is lamentably enjoyable.
"

Singin' in the Rain

Blasphemy? In the wrong hands, yes. And especially given so little time. But no, I think this works as a commercial:

And, because it will never be topped, the original:

It's come to this: Viral video sequels with trailers

Trailers that make me more excited than actual movie trailers:

Blessed be the meek

Ugh.

My mind has just been pleasantly blown

I am no music expert, and not even a real music afficionado. But I can see that something important is happening here.

Run, don't walk, friends.

Don't mess with Jack Bauer

Tim sent me this awesome link. Spend some time there. Also, a recent McSweeney's piece I enjoyed.

Probably my next 20 away messages...

I get pleasure from some of the silliest things on Wikipedia.

Things I never thought I'd say

Support the Dixie Chicks. I am this close to buying this damn song...

Thanks, T

Great job filling in. I can think of only one fitting way to salute your blogging stint:

So I lied!

One of the wonderful features of MLB TV is the absence of commercials. Rather than cut to ads in between half-innings, the camera stays at the ballfield, a fact not everyone seems to realize. Between the second and third innings of tonight's Yankees-Mets contest, for instance, Tom Seaver entered the booth for an upcoming interview. Unaware that anyone was listening, he uttered the following: "Where's Webby? Hey Webby! Hey Webby! Go fry your ass!" Everyone had a good laugh.

There. That's my last post. Seriously.

That tree is going down.

Here it is: Kiefer Sutherland tackling a Christmas tree after a night of partying.

That's it from me. You've all been great. Thanks for the guest-posting rights, MB.

The last seconds of this elevate it into A+ territory

Wow.

An unexpected but awesome followup post

One more reason to see X3:

Not sure why this is hilarious? Recall this post.

Bears vs. monkey

I think you can guess how this one ended.

Bears killed and ate a monkey in a Dutch zoo in front of horrified visitors, witnesses and the zoo said Monday. In the incident Sunday at the Beekse Bergen Safari Park, several Sloth bears chased the Barbary macaque into an electric fence, where it was stunned.

It recovered and fled onto a wooden structure, where one bear pursued and mauled it to death.

The park confirmed the killing in a statement, saying: "In an area where Sloth bears, great apes and Barbary macaques have coexisted peacefully for a long time, the harmony was temporarily disturbed during opening hours on Sunday."

Know what fuckin' sucks?

The Family Circus.

Even a stopped clock...

Just goes to show that when the stakes are low enough, even John Podhoretz can write a coherent column.

Brooklyn Scenes

Why? Because I can, and because I like Brooklyn.I have no idea who these people are, or what they are about.

An Update on Bill Cosby

Gone. Just completely gone.

Pac-Man, the movie

I've always wondered what I'd do if I had far too much time on my hands. Hopefully, something like this:

Sometimes, I get jealous of what other people write

This is one example.

Story time!

The following story is, I'm promised, 100 percent true.

A few months back, a female undergraduate at this particular university of ours was asked by a professor of hers to care for his dog for the two weeks he was in Europe. She agreed, but, upon arriving at the professor's house for the first time, discovered that the dog, a large golden retriever, had died in the kitchen.

She eventually got a hold of the professor, who asked that she take care of the situation. She again agreed, though this was a rather large dog and she was not the largest or strongest woman. So she returned to her room to retrieve her large rolling duffle bag, which she intended to use in transporting the dog, apparently.

After locating a crematory and hailing a cab, dead dog in tow, the student came to realize that she did not, in fact, have enough cash and would have to take the T instead. The facility she had chosen was in Dorchester, but she decided against enlisting the help of a friend or returning to her room for additional cash. No, she took the T by herself and, after exiting the station, began dragging the carcas through the streets of Boston.

And, wouldn't you know it, after seeing her struggle, a nice older gentleman asked whether he could offer any assistance. They were, after all, walking in the same direction. She of course said that she would like that very much. Soon they got to talking, and the Good Samaritan inquired what precisely was in the bag he was lugging. She, not wanting to reveal that it was a dead dog, thereby arousing suspicion, replied that it was her stereo.

He, in turn, punched her in the face and took off running in the opposite direction.

Later that night on the evening news there was a very interesting segment on the local news, about a duffle bag that had been ditched on a bus--in that neighborhood, in fact--which had required the attention of the BPD's bomb squad.

We can only hope that they, not knowing what the bag contained, exploded it, as seems to be standard practice nowadays. If so, I'm sure the whole operation was taped--for official records, training, and such. I hope to one day stumble across it, though a search of Google video and YouTube of the phrase "bomb squad blows up dog" has yet to yield anything non-pornographic.

The Internet is Educational

A brief history of babymama.

This was top news today, according to Yahoo!

Why?

MANILA, Philippines - Nearly 4,000 mothers set a world record this week for the largest number of women simultaneously breast-feeding their babies in the same place, organizers said.

Manila Mayor Lito Atienza, whose city is one of the event's organizers, said 3,738 mothers simultaneously breast-fed their babies for at least one minute, breaking the Guinness World Record.

Gross.

Uh...

This is just too easy.

Surprisingly enough, that clip is no spoof. The "oozinator" is a real product, one which is currently marketed by Hasbro. According to its official description, this modified super soaker is an "[a]ir-powered blaster [that] lets you drench your opponents with powerful blasts of water or globs of gooey bio-ooze!"

Globs of gooey bio-ooze you say? But wait, there's more!

"Sneak up on your opponents with a surprise bio-ooze attack! Just when they think you’re coming at ‘em with water, blast ‘em with a shot of icky bio-ooze! Shoot out globs of gooey bio-ooze and then drench ‘em with water! It’s a double blast attack that’ll keep your opponents on their toes and running during every water fight. With the OOZINATOR blaster you don’t just get soaked, you get drenched!"

The super soaker's pump-action was always a little suspicious. That that particular motion now yields the propulsion of a white goo onto someone's face is a little much, though, even for me. And look at those kids! They're probably oblivious to certain obvious parallels, but they're none too pleased anyway.

Here's the real problem, though. The advertisers must know how ridiculous this item is. They know what everyone over the age of twelve is thinking. So why not just throw us a bone? Would it really have been that hard for the kid with the gun to scream, with devilish delight, "Yeah! Money shot!"? I don't ask for much. Hasbro, I'll be watching.

UPDATE: As per PST's suggestion, I will also accept "In ya eye!" in lieu of "Yeah! Money shot!"

Baby bling

The world has gone mad.

I'm not yet sold on this concept, but I'll hold off on making my final judgment until the designer weighs in on MILFs.

Bob, I think we all know who the real winner is.

Some days, you just gotta hand it to potheads:

Note that had Evan stayed exactly consistent, he would've gotten it the second time.

The future looks awesome

Which will be the better fight to the death twenty years from now?

a) Vivica A. Fox's daughter in Kill Bill vs. Uma Thurman's ("The Bride's") daughter?
b) Kobe Bryant's daughter vs. Shaq's daughter born on the same day?