For your viewing pleasure...

This should about wrap up my dunk fetish period.

The Question of Our Time

Do you link to the bounceometer?

Yes, yes you do.

Nancy Grace makes shit up.

Is anyone surprised that she's a fraud? A victim, sure, but a fraud nonetheless? I'm not.

Well done, NY Observer. (Although you still need to work on your webpage and permanently archiving stories. I'm sure the above link will lead to a story about Todd Bridges or something within a week).

MC Hammer has a blog.

No additional commentary is needed.

And now, a feature I call, "Holiday Cards I Got Several Months Too Late"

Wow.

more from mashup central

As I sort of predicted, someone made an Empire Strikes Back/Brokeback parody. Still not as good as Brokeback to the Future.

Want a tank?

Check it out. At least read the amazing reviews.

Contains Delightful Spoilers!

The Top Ten Most Welcome Movie Deaths. I'm sure I can think of more...

Mashup Central

First, any Requiem For a Dream fans? You're welcome.

Then, there's this incredible collection of collaborations between 50 Cent and Queen.

You heard me.

You'd think this was a generic human interest story...

...and you'd say, alright man, why'd you link this crap?

Stick around to the end, friends, and it will be worth your time. Try not to react.

Don't use webstats4u or nedstat counters on your website.

They used to be my counter of choice. Now, they've decided to embed some sort of intrusive pop-up tracker in their product, ilead.itrack.it or something like that. Goodbye, webstats. I'll find another counter soon.

Looks like other people are also pissed.

Date John Rocker!

Is this real? It's funny either way.

Bravo, Bill Simmons

This is what happens when Bill Simmons plays to his strengths while thinking just outside the box. Bravo.

No wonder!

The Headline: "Indian officials struggle to kill domestic chickens in H5N1 clean-up"

The Reaction: I am not surprised.

Awesome Larry Summers article

Mostly the fantasy baseball part.

Kelly Ripa

...must be controlled.

A Larry Summers post!

I'm sure you've all wondered: What does mb11225 have to say about Lawrence Summers' resignation as president of Harvard? Not much. Except that the Harvard web site offered a curious juxtaposition today:

Let heaven and nature sing!

The Sopranos is almost back!

I wanna see some Pape Sow!

The obvious next step in PopoZao humor.

Polar bears are less funny than grizzly bears

But still pretty funny.

Jerk Central

Phil Mickelson. Who knew?

Here is a better look

...at Nate Robinson, Andre Iguodala and an incredible 2006 NBA Slam Dunk Contest.

What do I do?

Damn you, Ricky Gervais. Why'd you have to love me so good?

I'll probably pony up. It's worth the money. But I won't like it.

Pick the punchline

I can't come up with a good enough line:

Not one, but two WSLS (Channel 10) meteorologists -- Marc Lamarre and Jamey Singleton -- have struggled with a heroin addiction in recent months, according to an interview with Singleton that aired on WSLS's late-night newscast Friday.

Best slam dunk contest ever?

Purely on the quality of the finalists' dunks throughout, maybe.

Darren Daulton, formerly of the Philadelphia Phillies, is crazy.

Wow. Take us with you, Darren.

Dick Cheney, blah blah blah...

...blah blah blah...

The MAN-sfield

I may disagree with it, but this also might be the funniest thing I've ever read in the Crimson:

While men are often associated with aggression, Mansfield said empirical research does not analyze the meaning of aggression, concluding that it is more accurate to say men are assertive.

When a male student mentioned Sojourner Truth as an example of a woman demonstrating courage and freedom, qualities Mansfield ascribed to manliness, the professor asked, “Have you noticed how much more assertive you have been than any woman in the room who has asked me a question?”

A woman who had previously spoken responded loudly, “I beg to differ!”

“That’s right, you BEG to differ,” said Mansfield, without missing a beat.

Just plain mean

I almost couldn't bring myself to laugh at this.

Almost.

Jose Lima's wife

Jose Lima has become a Met for the time being, filling the void created by the Kris Benson trade.

My friend Scott submits the following. I add very little comment, except that Scott's observational powers are among the best of anyone I know.

Scott: "In a tragic turn of events, it appears that this turns into this when the sunglasses are removed."

Nothing funny here...

Just an insightful article about the changing nature of careers and one's 20-something years that struck a chord.

Delonte West, romantic

And a Happy Valentine's Day to you, too.

Reclaiming Garfield

I'm back. Thanks, IBM.

This link from MDM is one of the better comics-related links this side of Comics Curmuedgeon. The basic idea is that Garfield could be a funny comic strip again if you remove all of the Garfield dialogue, and it simply becomes a surrealist cartoon about a pathetic man who talks to his facially expressive cat.

There are several pages. Click through a few. You'll get it with time.

But wait, there's this before I go...

God bless America.

Very few blog posts in the next week...

...as I wait for my computer to be fixed.

"Lotta racial shit this year! Lotta racial shit!"

I enjoyed the film Crash, but yes, sometimes the subtlety lacked.

Chuck Norris: Backstory and some analysis

Linked from the Crank's very good if politically misguided blog, here is the backstory to the whole Chuck Norris thing. The most interesting part is how this all blew up after he switched from Vin Diesel to Chuck Norris:

Then last summer, Ian Spector - the freshman from Brown - invented his Random Fact Generator. He started with Vin Diesel (www.4Q.cc/vin/) Sample: "When mortals rub two sticks together, we get fire. When Vin Diesel rubs two sticks together, we get Christianity."

It went over modestly well. Ian asked his Web audience to nominate a successor. Chuck Norris was the overwhelming favorite.

"It exploded," Ian said this week. "Since last summer we've had 50-million hits. We generally get between 500,000 and 800,000 hits a day."

Count me in the strong but nowhere-near-vocal-enough minority that things Vin Diesel was a superior foil. I'm sorry, but to me "Vin Diesel Is Not Lactose Intolerant, He Just Refuses to Put Up with Lactose's Shit" is funnier than "Chuck Norris Fought The Law, and The Law Never Fought Back." That's just how I roll. Still, I'm glad it caught on enough to give rise to this Saturday Night Live video by the Lazy Sunday/Lonely Island people (whose pretty enjoyable, never-aired Fox pilot can be is available online).

This is the most links I've ever... linked.

"I guess I picked the wrong season to quit amphetamines."

On this unofficial first day of baseball season, get to know the real most significant story of 2006.

Disappointing evening...

Not the best Super Bowl. Really the most underwhelming one since the Rams and Buccaneers. And the halftime show was bad. The pre-game entertainment, which I missed, was apparently also of such poor design as to make one relieved that Stevie Wonder couldn't see it:

It was a typical monument to excess, with a stage more crowded than a train station at rush hour, and was marred by microphones that occasionally malfunctioned. Brightly clad dancers hoofed it incongruously when Wonder sang a portion of his angry ghetto tale Livin' for the City, at one point pretending to fight each other.

Most importantly, the medley format did a disservice to the musicians. They rushed through the songs as if at a fast-food service line. With hours of meaningless pregame hoopla, couldn't they be given five minutes more to finish a few songs

Brack power!

Wow. Where do we even begin?

Down goes Frasier! Down goes Frasier!

Classic, but perhaps not what you expect.

"Grizzly Man" director/narrator saves Joaquin Phoenix

The director and scene-stealer of the best movie of 2005 is still hilarious just by living:

Oscar-nominee Joaquin Phoenix was rescued from his car wreck last week by German cult director Werner Herzog. The 31-year-old Walk The Line star overturned his car on a canyon road above Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood after his brakes failed and he collided with another vehicle. Phoenix was saved because he was wearing his seat-belt, but has revealed he was helped from the wreckage by the 63-year-old, who has a home nearby. The actor says, "I remember this knocking on the passenger window. There was this German voice saying, 'Just relax.' There's the airbag, I can't see and I'm saying, 'I'm fine. I am relaxed. Finally, I rolled down the window and this head pops inside. And he said, 'No, you're not.' And suddenly I said to myself, 'That's Werner Herzog' There's something so calming and beautiful about Werner Herzog's voice. I felt completely fine and safe. I climbed out. I got out of the car and I said, 'Thank you,' and he was gone."

"Christ, what an asshole."

This is just plain brilliant.

Brokeback to the Future

Wow. This is incredibly well put together and funny.
Suggested Followups:
* Police Academy 3: Brokeback in Training
* How Stella Got Her Groove Brokeback
* Star Wars: Episode V: The Empire Strikes Brokeback

More PopoZao humor...

This time unintentional.

The best intervention ever?

Stephanie from Full House was hooked on meth:

Seeking a "normal" life, Sweetin attended high school and college, and was married by age 20 – to a Los Angeles policeman. But two years ago, feeling bored and being unemployed, she says she began experimenting with drugs and got hooked on meth.

After a three-day "lost" weekend, reportedly followed by an intervention staged by her former Full House costars Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, John Stamos and Bob Saget, Sweetin checked herself in to the Promises rehab facility for six weeks of intense treatment.

"Brokeback Yard"

Oh dear. Brokeback Mountain, as told by someone's dogs.

After decades STOP telegram service does the inevitable. STOP. Stop. STOP.

I didn't even know this had still been available. I would've sent one while I had the chance.

I can't let an opportunity like this pass by again. I need to investigate whether the candygram from Blazing Saddles actually exists, and get on that tomorrow.

For the love of Christ...

No one cares that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit.

Everyone, please stop. Just stop.

James Lipton Recites Kevin Federline's "PoPoZao" on Late Night

Amazing. Conan is the best.

Score, score, score!

Because I care, a little piece of history: the 4th quarter of the radio broadcast of Wilt Chamberlain's 100-point game.

Sleepless in Seattle trailer, remixed.

This one is very well done.

Track Jack!

Awesome if incredibly lame idea from someone who loves Jack Bauer and 24 very, very much.

What is more humiliating than being a public figure arrested for soliciting a prostitute?

Having the whole world know it's a hideous prostitute.

Oh snap!

I am reasonably sure that the lady suing Isiah Thomas for harrassment is the same lady from this story.

I have no idea what this was...

...but it involves lizards and is mesmorizing.

And on an unrelated note (really, it is unrelated, I just don't feel like creating a separate post for this):

Dear CBS,

Why are you trying to force the idea that Jenna Elfman is hot down our throats?

'Cause she isn't.

Was that the lesson you took away from "Dharma and Greg," CBS? That Jenna Elfman is hot? Not, "Jenna Elfman isn't very entertaining at all" or anything like that?

She isn't hot. She isn't even "CBS hot," although maybe that's changed, since I haven't checked in on the wife from King of Queens lately.

I bid you adieu,
mb

Classic Sesame Street parody

And why not?

Okay, okay. Here's a riddle for you. When does 1 + 1 = 1?

When you're talking about mediocre television networks.

A more comprehensive David Lat piece

Because my hits pretty much quadruple whenever I post about him, here is today's New York Times profile of Dave Lat.

Trapped in the Closet with Jimmy Kimmel, Continued

A late link, I know. But enjoyable. And I'm too occupied with finals to find new stuff right now.

A random observation

Is it just me, or does everyone seem to have bought stock in the word "peripatetic" at once? I can't go five minutes without someone describing something as peripatetic. ESPN.com, even.

The only good thing to come out of the "My Humps" song.

Way to save us, McSweeney's.

Battletoads in 25 minutes

A lot of people ask me, "What's the best Nintendo game of all time?"

I think you know the answer.

25 minutes. At times, very sloppy... until you realize one guy is controlling both characters. And there are points so artistic they recall Torville and Dean. Sometimes, it looks like he is just showing off.

American Beauty 2

As today's Google Video article in the Times notes, most of the stuff up there is crap. Especially the free stuff.

But some of it is genuinely entertaining, even if it is predictable.

Why Not?

Because your awkwardly-named ass was cancelled after a single episode.

The new season of "24" is awesome.

"24" may not be the best show on television (that's probably "The Sopranos" once it returns). But I believe that it is the most consistently rewarding. And this fifth season has gotten off to the most promising start of any of them.

So that we don't take the 24 crew's efforts for granted, here are two examples of what 24 would be like if it were wack.

Lame Jack Bauer productions:

(1)
(2)

Now, go out and enjoy the real thing.

The Redskins' season is over.

I feel like a part of me has died. Thanks for the memories, Clinton.

Isn't this an old joke?

This stuff actually happens. Beware, philanderers.

Street Fighter Salsa

Would've been funnier with Zangief, but the hadouken midway through makes up for it.

"Yes. Yes."

I have to admit, I didn't see the ending coming. Quite clever.

Beaneball, McSweeney's style

Enjoyable.

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are idiots.

How could you miss something so obviously dumb?

Top officials are privately talking about ideas that would change the entire look and identity of the team for the 2007 season - from the name to the colors to the logos to the uniforms.

At the least, it seems likely the word "Devil" will be dropped, as it already is in some official team references. Then a decision has to be made whether to continue associating Rays with the sea creatures or to connect with the sun. Or there could be a new name, such as the Tampa Bay Tarpons.

The Tampa Bay Tarpons? Really? No one else sees a laughingstock in the making here? Do I have to spell it out for them?

Facts as property? What if it's baseball?

A very interesting case to keep an eye on, especially for fantasy sports fans.

Disappointing headline for the month of January

"Tony Stewart hurts arm after midget car crash"

Sadly, no, it's not what you think.

This sounds more like a good movie than a good sentence.

Perhaps starring Billy Bob Thornton. Not sure.

Too much money, too much time.

Zoom in is fun, though.

So, what's Mo Vaughn up to?

Hmmmm. Okay. So he is into spacecraft miniatures.

If you can't stand the heat...

Boo freakin' hoo.

PopoZao!

We're going to have to keep an eye on this, as it shifts from one kind of hilarious to another.

The Best Thing I've Ever Read

Go, Fire Mouse, go!

Cyclops Kitten

Here. A warning: You will be happier if you do not read past the first sentence.

If you know my sense of humor, I think you know who I'm rooting for.

Although "Blunt" is also something of a funny name.

Lefferts Manor, Brooklyn

My neighborhood. See, it does exist.

Have I linked this before?

Maybe on the old site. But it is relevant again, as they will likely have to make room for "Emily's Reasons Why Not."

"They so limited!"

I was there with my sister for that overheard in NY bit, which she submitted.

This Week in Clinton Portis

This week's media address gave the world his most subtle character portrayal yet, Coach Janky Spanky.

Bonus: Here is Clinton's season of press conferences to date:

Week 4 - Racquetball goggles. First sign that eccentric Thursdays were on the way.

Week 5 - Oversized, retro, mahogany-colored sunglasses, a star in the making as he prepared for his first game against his old team, Denver. "It's going to be like Hollywood," he said.

Week 7 - Wild gray wig and rectangular-lensed, sci-fi glasses that made him look like Doc Brown from "Back to the Future." "I might as well keep a sense of humor because if I leave it up to you all, you're going to run me into the ground," he said.

Week 8 - "Southeast Jerome." Flowing black cape, black Lone Ranger mask, clown-style oversized yellow sunglasses perched atop a shaggy black wig, and fake gold teeth. "You've heard of 'Vampire from Brooklyn'? We'll, I'm Jerome from Southeast D.C.," Portis said. "Going to the big city and night lights this week up there in New York City."

Week 9 - "Dr. I Don't Know." Huge bright red-orange wig, pink ornamental glasses and a thick black Victorian-style mustache. Announces the death of "Southeast Jerome." "I did the autopsy on Southeast Jerome," he said. "These glasses were white, but mixing them with blood, it just so happened they turned pink."

Week 10 - "Sheriff Gonna Getcha." Led Zeppelin shirt, bad teeth, big glasses and sheriff's star. Says he's going to Tampa to investigate the disappearance of "Southeast Jerome."

Week 11 - "Dolla Bill." Lime green leisure suit with purple and black cuffs, sunglasses that spelled the word "cool," purple-spiked wig and fake jewelry.

Week 13 - "Rev. Gonna Change." Black and white wig with red and black tie, goofy black glasses and fake gold teeth. Said he had planned to stop the dress-up routine because of the team's three-game losing streak. "As I told people I wasn't going to do it, it was like, 'We need something positive around here, keep a good attitude,"' he said. "It's just team morale."

Week 14 - "Bro Sweets." Huge yellow wig, enormous yellow-framed, heart-shaped sunglasses - and four arms. (Antonio Brown is standing behind him.) The extra arms are used to distribute jewelry and candy. Says his favorite candy bar is Payday because "It goes a long ways."

Week 15 - Practice is rescheduled due to ice storm, so Portis appears without costume. "I had a great idea," he said. "It would have been great for Dallas week."

Week 16 - "Inspector Two-Two." Fake nose and glasses and an old leather football helmet with blonde pigtails on top.

Week 17 - "Southeast Jerome in Heaven." All-white angel outfit. Six other players stand by his side in various costumes. "I'm here in heaven with all my friends," Portis said.

Playoff week - "Coach Janky Spanky." Says he should have been hired to run the defense instead of Gregg Williams. "I took the Boys and Girls Club to the Super Bowl," he said.-

This HAS to be our year!

350 witches can't all be wrong.

Jon Stuart will host the Oscars this year!

Tremendous.

Unfortunately, I have now admitted to enjoying the Oscars and watching ladies Olympic figure skating in consecutive posts. I'm going to go somewhere else for a bit.

A pointless post. Why did I even put this here? It must have some ulterior purpose, like containing hidden messages to the Russians.

Here are some Winter Olympic sports I enjoy:

Bobsled, biathlon, some hockey, luge, skeleton, ski jump. Even ice dancing. Short track speed skating.

Here are some Winter Olympic sports I do not enjoy:

Moguls, the ski jumping ones where you do little tricks in the air, any and all snowboarding, curling.

Here is a sport I find myself on the fence about:

The other speed skating.

Here are some Winter Olympic sports I will watch, mesmorized, even though I don't particularly enjoy them:

Ladies figure skating.

Hope for my future crappy novel

This article may seem depressing to you, as it did to some. But I see it as a positive. If they're not publishing good stuff, they're publishing crap! Which means my chances of becoming a novelist in my spare time just got a lot better.

This is magic Jay Leno can never create.

A good job by David Letterman. A warning: This is also political.

Warning! Political Content!

This is funny.

The Science of Cute

From the New York Times, and sort of related to an earlier post.

Scientists who study the evolution of visual signaling have identified a wide and still expanding assortment of features and behaviors that make something look cute: bright forward-facing eyes set low on a big round face, a pair of big round ears, floppy limbs and a side-to-side, teeter-totter gait, among many others.

Cute cues are those that indicate extreme youth, vulnerability, harmlessness and need, scientists say, and attending to them closely makes good Darwinian sense. As a species whose youngest members are so pathetically helpless they can't lift their heads to suckle without adult supervision, human beings must be wired to respond quickly and gamely to any and all signs of infantile desire.

The human cuteness detector is set at such a low bar, researchers said, that it sweeps in and deems cute practically anything remotely resembling a human baby or a part thereof, and so ends up including the young of virtually every mammalian species, fuzzy-headed birds like Japanese cranes, woolly bear caterpillars, a bobbing balloon, a big round rock stacked on a smaller rock, a colon, a hyphen and a close parenthesis typed in succession.

COBRAAAA!

One of my favorite McSweeney's pieces now has a sequel.

David Lat rises from the ashes...

...as Wonkette? So says this guy. My favorite web celebrity Regis High School graduate seems to have landed on his feet, and A3G's original site has returned as well.

Good for him.

That's enough, Notre Dame.

Wow.

The most ridiculous college promo I've ever seen.

And yes, you want the 60-second version.

The Simpsons College Football Superstructure

I don't care for elite college football much. It is perhaps my least favorite of the truly major sports (and it is a major sport; hockey, meanwhile, is not). But even I can appreciate the brilliance of this.

Larry David remains one of the three or so funniest people alive.

Here is his take on Brokeback Mountain. Interestingly, Ricky Gervais, another of the funniest people alive (whose podcast has really hit its stride and become a highlight of my week) apparently did a one-hour TV special with David, to air on British television this week.

So, does anyone in Cambridge have, ah, a British television?

What the hell, Jonelle?

Jonelle is famous. I helped by being obnoxious.

Why don't more teams do this?

Awesome.

Also, Happy New Year.