Blessed be the meek

Ugh.

My mind has just been pleasantly blown

I am no music expert, and not even a real music afficionado. But I can see that something important is happening here.

Run, don't walk, friends.

Don't mess with Jack Bauer

Tim sent me this awesome link. Spend some time there. Also, a recent McSweeney's piece I enjoyed.

Probably my next 20 away messages...

I get pleasure from some of the silliest things on Wikipedia.

Things I never thought I'd say

Support the Dixie Chicks. I am this close to buying this damn song...

Thanks, T

Great job filling in. I can think of only one fitting way to salute your blogging stint:

So I lied!

One of the wonderful features of MLB TV is the absence of commercials. Rather than cut to ads in between half-innings, the camera stays at the ballfield, a fact not everyone seems to realize. Between the second and third innings of tonight's Yankees-Mets contest, for instance, Tom Seaver entered the booth for an upcoming interview. Unaware that anyone was listening, he uttered the following: "Where's Webby? Hey Webby! Hey Webby! Go fry your ass!" Everyone had a good laugh.

There. That's my last post. Seriously.

That tree is going down.

Here it is: Kiefer Sutherland tackling a Christmas tree after a night of partying.

That's it from me. You've all been great. Thanks for the guest-posting rights, MB.

The last seconds of this elevate it into A+ territory

Wow.

An unexpected but awesome followup post

One more reason to see X3:

Not sure why this is hilarious? Recall this post.

Bears vs. monkey

I think you can guess how this one ended.

Bears killed and ate a monkey in a Dutch zoo in front of horrified visitors, witnesses and the zoo said Monday. In the incident Sunday at the Beekse Bergen Safari Park, several Sloth bears chased the Barbary macaque into an electric fence, where it was stunned.

It recovered and fled onto a wooden structure, where one bear pursued and mauled it to death.

The park confirmed the killing in a statement, saying: "In an area where Sloth bears, great apes and Barbary macaques have coexisted peacefully for a long time, the harmony was temporarily disturbed during opening hours on Sunday."

Know what fuckin' sucks?

The Family Circus.

Even a stopped clock...

Just goes to show that when the stakes are low enough, even John Podhoretz can write a coherent column.

Brooklyn Scenes

Why? Because I can, and because I like Brooklyn.I have no idea who these people are, or what they are about.

An Update on Bill Cosby

Gone. Just completely gone.

Pac-Man, the movie

I've always wondered what I'd do if I had far too much time on my hands. Hopefully, something like this:

Sometimes, I get jealous of what other people write

This is one example.

Story time!

The following story is, I'm promised, 100 percent true.

A few months back, a female undergraduate at this particular university of ours was asked by a professor of hers to care for his dog for the two weeks he was in Europe. She agreed, but, upon arriving at the professor's house for the first time, discovered that the dog, a large golden retriever, had died in the kitchen.

She eventually got a hold of the professor, who asked that she take care of the situation. She again agreed, though this was a rather large dog and she was not the largest or strongest woman. So she returned to her room to retrieve her large rolling duffle bag, which she intended to use in transporting the dog, apparently.

After locating a crematory and hailing a cab, dead dog in tow, the student came to realize that she did not, in fact, have enough cash and would have to take the T instead. The facility she had chosen was in Dorchester, but she decided against enlisting the help of a friend or returning to her room for additional cash. No, she took the T by herself and, after exiting the station, began dragging the carcas through the streets of Boston.

And, wouldn't you know it, after seeing her struggle, a nice older gentleman asked whether he could offer any assistance. They were, after all, walking in the same direction. She of course said that she would like that very much. Soon they got to talking, and the Good Samaritan inquired what precisely was in the bag he was lugging. She, not wanting to reveal that it was a dead dog, thereby arousing suspicion, replied that it was her stereo.

He, in turn, punched her in the face and took off running in the opposite direction.

Later that night on the evening news there was a very interesting segment on the local news, about a duffle bag that had been ditched on a bus--in that neighborhood, in fact--which had required the attention of the BPD's bomb squad.

We can only hope that they, not knowing what the bag contained, exploded it, as seems to be standard practice nowadays. If so, I'm sure the whole operation was taped--for official records, training, and such. I hope to one day stumble across it, though a search of Google video and YouTube of the phrase "bomb squad blows up dog" has yet to yield anything non-pornographic.

The Internet is Educational

A brief history of babymama.

This was top news today, according to Yahoo!

Why?

MANILA, Philippines - Nearly 4,000 mothers set a world record this week for the largest number of women simultaneously breast-feeding their babies in the same place, organizers said.

Manila Mayor Lito Atienza, whose city is one of the event's organizers, said 3,738 mothers simultaneously breast-fed their babies for at least one minute, breaking the Guinness World Record.

Gross.

Uh...

This is just too easy.

Surprisingly enough, that clip is no spoof. The "oozinator" is a real product, one which is currently marketed by Hasbro. According to its official description, this modified super soaker is an "[a]ir-powered blaster [that] lets you drench your opponents with powerful blasts of water or globs of gooey bio-ooze!"

Globs of gooey bio-ooze you say? But wait, there's more!

"Sneak up on your opponents with a surprise bio-ooze attack! Just when they think you’re coming at ‘em with water, blast ‘em with a shot of icky bio-ooze! Shoot out globs of gooey bio-ooze and then drench ‘em with water! It’s a double blast attack that’ll keep your opponents on their toes and running during every water fight. With the OOZINATOR blaster you don’t just get soaked, you get drenched!"

The super soaker's pump-action was always a little suspicious. That that particular motion now yields the propulsion of a white goo onto someone's face is a little much, though, even for me. And look at those kids! They're probably oblivious to certain obvious parallels, but they're none too pleased anyway.

Here's the real problem, though. The advertisers must know how ridiculous this item is. They know what everyone over the age of twelve is thinking. So why not just throw us a bone? Would it really have been that hard for the kid with the gun to scream, with devilish delight, "Yeah! Money shot!"? I don't ask for much. Hasbro, I'll be watching.

UPDATE: As per PST's suggestion, I will also accept "In ya eye!" in lieu of "Yeah! Money shot!"

Baby bling

The world has gone mad.

I'm not yet sold on this concept, but I'll hold off on making my final judgment until the designer weighs in on MILFs.

Bob, I think we all know who the real winner is.

Some days, you just gotta hand it to potheads:

Note that had Evan stayed exactly consistent, he would've gotten it the second time.

The future looks awesome

Which will be the better fight to the death twenty years from now?

a) Vivica A. Fox's daughter in Kill Bill vs. Uma Thurman's ("The Bride's") daughter?
b) Kobe Bryant's daughter vs. Shaq's daughter born on the same day?