For the love of Christ...

No one cares that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit.

Everyone, please stop. Just stop.

James Lipton Recites Kevin Federline's "PoPoZao" on Late Night

Amazing. Conan is the best.

Score, score, score!

Because I care, a little piece of history: the 4th quarter of the radio broadcast of Wilt Chamberlain's 100-point game.

Sleepless in Seattle trailer, remixed.

This one is very well done.

Track Jack!

Awesome if incredibly lame idea from someone who loves Jack Bauer and 24 very, very much.

What is more humiliating than being a public figure arrested for soliciting a prostitute?

Having the whole world know it's a hideous prostitute.

Oh snap!

I am reasonably sure that the lady suing Isiah Thomas for harrassment is the same lady from this story.

I have no idea what this was...

...but it involves lizards and is mesmorizing.

And on an unrelated note (really, it is unrelated, I just don't feel like creating a separate post for this):

Dear CBS,

Why are you trying to force the idea that Jenna Elfman is hot down our throats?

'Cause she isn't.

Was that the lesson you took away from "Dharma and Greg," CBS? That Jenna Elfman is hot? Not, "Jenna Elfman isn't very entertaining at all" or anything like that?

She isn't hot. She isn't even "CBS hot," although maybe that's changed, since I haven't checked in on the wife from King of Queens lately.

I bid you adieu,
mb

Classic Sesame Street parody

And why not?

Okay, okay. Here's a riddle for you. When does 1 + 1 = 1?

When you're talking about mediocre television networks.

A more comprehensive David Lat piece

Because my hits pretty much quadruple whenever I post about him, here is today's New York Times profile of Dave Lat.

Trapped in the Closet with Jimmy Kimmel, Continued

A late link, I know. But enjoyable. And I'm too occupied with finals to find new stuff right now.

A random observation

Is it just me, or does everyone seem to have bought stock in the word "peripatetic" at once? I can't go five minutes without someone describing something as peripatetic. ESPN.com, even.

The only good thing to come out of the "My Humps" song.

Way to save us, McSweeney's.

Battletoads in 25 minutes

A lot of people ask me, "What's the best Nintendo game of all time?"

I think you know the answer.

25 minutes. At times, very sloppy... until you realize one guy is controlling both characters. And there are points so artistic they recall Torville and Dean. Sometimes, it looks like he is just showing off.

American Beauty 2

As today's Google Video article in the Times notes, most of the stuff up there is crap. Especially the free stuff.

But some of it is genuinely entertaining, even if it is predictable.

Why Not?

Because your awkwardly-named ass was cancelled after a single episode.

The new season of "24" is awesome.

"24" may not be the best show on television (that's probably "The Sopranos" once it returns). But I believe that it is the most consistently rewarding. And this fifth season has gotten off to the most promising start of any of them.

So that we don't take the 24 crew's efforts for granted, here are two examples of what 24 would be like if it were wack.

Lame Jack Bauer productions:

(1)
(2)

Now, go out and enjoy the real thing.

The Redskins' season is over.

I feel like a part of me has died. Thanks for the memories, Clinton.

Isn't this an old joke?

This stuff actually happens. Beware, philanderers.

Street Fighter Salsa

Would've been funnier with Zangief, but the hadouken midway through makes up for it.

"Yes. Yes."

I have to admit, I didn't see the ending coming. Quite clever.

Beaneball, McSweeney's style

Enjoyable.

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are idiots.

How could you miss something so obviously dumb?

Top officials are privately talking about ideas that would change the entire look and identity of the team for the 2007 season - from the name to the colors to the logos to the uniforms.

At the least, it seems likely the word "Devil" will be dropped, as it already is in some official team references. Then a decision has to be made whether to continue associating Rays with the sea creatures or to connect with the sun. Or there could be a new name, such as the Tampa Bay Tarpons.

The Tampa Bay Tarpons? Really? No one else sees a laughingstock in the making here? Do I have to spell it out for them?

Facts as property? What if it's baseball?

A very interesting case to keep an eye on, especially for fantasy sports fans.

Disappointing headline for the month of January

"Tony Stewart hurts arm after midget car crash"

Sadly, no, it's not what you think.

This sounds more like a good movie than a good sentence.

Perhaps starring Billy Bob Thornton. Not sure.

Too much money, too much time.

Zoom in is fun, though.

So, what's Mo Vaughn up to?

Hmmmm. Okay. So he is into spacecraft miniatures.

If you can't stand the heat...

Boo freakin' hoo.

PopoZao!

We're going to have to keep an eye on this, as it shifts from one kind of hilarious to another.

The Best Thing I've Ever Read

Go, Fire Mouse, go!

Cyclops Kitten

Here. A warning: You will be happier if you do not read past the first sentence.

If you know my sense of humor, I think you know who I'm rooting for.

Although "Blunt" is also something of a funny name.

Lefferts Manor, Brooklyn

My neighborhood. See, it does exist.

Have I linked this before?

Maybe on the old site. But it is relevant again, as they will likely have to make room for "Emily's Reasons Why Not."

"They so limited!"

I was there with my sister for that overheard in NY bit, which she submitted.

This Week in Clinton Portis

This week's media address gave the world his most subtle character portrayal yet, Coach Janky Spanky.

Bonus: Here is Clinton's season of press conferences to date:

Week 4 - Racquetball goggles. First sign that eccentric Thursdays were on the way.

Week 5 - Oversized, retro, mahogany-colored sunglasses, a star in the making as he prepared for his first game against his old team, Denver. "It's going to be like Hollywood," he said.

Week 7 - Wild gray wig and rectangular-lensed, sci-fi glasses that made him look like Doc Brown from "Back to the Future." "I might as well keep a sense of humor because if I leave it up to you all, you're going to run me into the ground," he said.

Week 8 - "Southeast Jerome." Flowing black cape, black Lone Ranger mask, clown-style oversized yellow sunglasses perched atop a shaggy black wig, and fake gold teeth. "You've heard of 'Vampire from Brooklyn'? We'll, I'm Jerome from Southeast D.C.," Portis said. "Going to the big city and night lights this week up there in New York City."

Week 9 - "Dr. I Don't Know." Huge bright red-orange wig, pink ornamental glasses and a thick black Victorian-style mustache. Announces the death of "Southeast Jerome." "I did the autopsy on Southeast Jerome," he said. "These glasses were white, but mixing them with blood, it just so happened they turned pink."

Week 10 - "Sheriff Gonna Getcha." Led Zeppelin shirt, bad teeth, big glasses and sheriff's star. Says he's going to Tampa to investigate the disappearance of "Southeast Jerome."

Week 11 - "Dolla Bill." Lime green leisure suit with purple and black cuffs, sunglasses that spelled the word "cool," purple-spiked wig and fake jewelry.

Week 13 - "Rev. Gonna Change." Black and white wig with red and black tie, goofy black glasses and fake gold teeth. Said he had planned to stop the dress-up routine because of the team's three-game losing streak. "As I told people I wasn't going to do it, it was like, 'We need something positive around here, keep a good attitude,"' he said. "It's just team morale."

Week 14 - "Bro Sweets." Huge yellow wig, enormous yellow-framed, heart-shaped sunglasses - and four arms. (Antonio Brown is standing behind him.) The extra arms are used to distribute jewelry and candy. Says his favorite candy bar is Payday because "It goes a long ways."

Week 15 - Practice is rescheduled due to ice storm, so Portis appears without costume. "I had a great idea," he said. "It would have been great for Dallas week."

Week 16 - "Inspector Two-Two." Fake nose and glasses and an old leather football helmet with blonde pigtails on top.

Week 17 - "Southeast Jerome in Heaven." All-white angel outfit. Six other players stand by his side in various costumes. "I'm here in heaven with all my friends," Portis said.

Playoff week - "Coach Janky Spanky." Says he should have been hired to run the defense instead of Gregg Williams. "I took the Boys and Girls Club to the Super Bowl," he said.-

This HAS to be our year!

350 witches can't all be wrong.

Jon Stuart will host the Oscars this year!

Tremendous.

Unfortunately, I have now admitted to enjoying the Oscars and watching ladies Olympic figure skating in consecutive posts. I'm going to go somewhere else for a bit.

A pointless post. Why did I even put this here? It must have some ulterior purpose, like containing hidden messages to the Russians.

Here are some Winter Olympic sports I enjoy:

Bobsled, biathlon, some hockey, luge, skeleton, ski jump. Even ice dancing. Short track speed skating.

Here are some Winter Olympic sports I do not enjoy:

Moguls, the ski jumping ones where you do little tricks in the air, any and all snowboarding, curling.

Here is a sport I find myself on the fence about:

The other speed skating.

Here are some Winter Olympic sports I will watch, mesmorized, even though I don't particularly enjoy them:

Ladies figure skating.

Hope for my future crappy novel

This article may seem depressing to you, as it did to some. But I see it as a positive. If they're not publishing good stuff, they're publishing crap! Which means my chances of becoming a novelist in my spare time just got a lot better.

This is magic Jay Leno can never create.

A good job by David Letterman. A warning: This is also political.

Warning! Political Content!

This is funny.

The Science of Cute

From the New York Times, and sort of related to an earlier post.

Scientists who study the evolution of visual signaling have identified a wide and still expanding assortment of features and behaviors that make something look cute: bright forward-facing eyes set low on a big round face, a pair of big round ears, floppy limbs and a side-to-side, teeter-totter gait, among many others.

Cute cues are those that indicate extreme youth, vulnerability, harmlessness and need, scientists say, and attending to them closely makes good Darwinian sense. As a species whose youngest members are so pathetically helpless they can't lift their heads to suckle without adult supervision, human beings must be wired to respond quickly and gamely to any and all signs of infantile desire.

The human cuteness detector is set at such a low bar, researchers said, that it sweeps in and deems cute practically anything remotely resembling a human baby or a part thereof, and so ends up including the young of virtually every mammalian species, fuzzy-headed birds like Japanese cranes, woolly bear caterpillars, a bobbing balloon, a big round rock stacked on a smaller rock, a colon, a hyphen and a close parenthesis typed in succession.

COBRAAAA!

One of my favorite McSweeney's pieces now has a sequel.

David Lat rises from the ashes...

...as Wonkette? So says this guy. My favorite web celebrity Regis High School graduate seems to have landed on his feet, and A3G's original site has returned as well.

Good for him.

That's enough, Notre Dame.

Wow.

The most ridiculous college promo I've ever seen.

And yes, you want the 60-second version.

The Simpsons College Football Superstructure

I don't care for elite college football much. It is perhaps my least favorite of the truly major sports (and it is a major sport; hockey, meanwhile, is not). But even I can appreciate the brilliance of this.

Larry David remains one of the three or so funniest people alive.

Here is his take on Brokeback Mountain. Interestingly, Ricky Gervais, another of the funniest people alive (whose podcast has really hit its stride and become a highlight of my week) apparently did a one-hour TV special with David, to air on British television this week.

So, does anyone in Cambridge have, ah, a British television?

What the hell, Jonelle?

Jonelle is famous. I helped by being obnoxious.

Why don't more teams do this?

Awesome.

Also, Happy New Year.